Morgan Destera

February 6, 2019

YESTERDAY – Oh – get this. I had to go get some labwork done to make sure my white blood count is decent since i ended antibiotics last week. The woman checks me in, prints off all the labels, etc and takes me in to the room to get the blood draw.

She goes on the computer there to draw up the orders, and says “ahhh, your birthday is x/x/xx?” – Uh, yeah”

“Huh. They have you as deceased”

WTF? How could they even draw up orders if I am listed as deceased?
She said she had no idea what to do, but she just drew my blood and said she’d call them and figure it out, So at least I didn’t have to sit around and wait while she worked it out
I told her, I was in the hospital a while ago and felt dead, but I’m not…

I’ll never find out what happened I’m sure

TODAY – So it’s confirmed I’m dead. Went for my follow-up and asked the nurse if they got my results,and told her what happened. And she said, “Yeah, we saw that! Didn’t know what to do about it. Our front desk person should be able to fix it.” But I don’t think she ever spoke to the front desk person.

It’s hospital system wide. Not just the lab.

I guess I need to make some phone calls

On another note – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MM!

April 2016

Mercury is definitely in retrograde. MM just told me his wife said she MIGHT be done in North Carolina sooner than expected and hat she said she MIGHT bring the kids to visit him — but she doesn’t know when she might be done or when she might bring the kids, or even IF this will happen. UGH! (I do believe him – he’s not just trying to get out of it.) We really need to get together and we really need to talk!

We are planning still to get together, just in case. He says she has done this before, and then ended up unable to come anyways. And we’d both hate to cancel and then have her not show. I can always change plans, or even turn the car around.

I NEED SOME GOOD VIBES SENT MY WAY PLEASE!!! Thanks!

June 15, 2016

I am writing break-up letters to you in my mind. You haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t want this to end. But I feel depression creeping in. I was so excited last week… we were finally going to get together again. It was so close – I could feel it! Then, just mere hours before I was going to leave, the inevitable happened and out fun got cancelled again.

On my trip home, I could feel the depression hovering over me. And now, days later, it is almost smothering me like a blanket. I really do not see my life changing in any way.

I am stuck in this house with my ex. You are the one bright spot I have, but our plans get screwed over every time, it seems. I didn’t know what to say to you today as we messaged each other.

I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t want you to know how dark my depression can get also. I don’t want you to see how bleak my situation really is.

You said once you would be my knight in shining armor. Even then I knew it could never happen.

I feel lethargic. Wanting all this waiting to end. I ait for news on my Disability. I wait on my ex hand-and-foot pretty much. I wait on you to message me and bring a smile to my face.

Is this all I have to look forward to in life – waiting? I don’t know if I can do it anymore. The days just stretch before me, empty.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.

Things were so right. Now I struggle to make a coherent thought. I struggle to walk across the room. All I really want to do is sleep. But even sleep gets boring.

I want you in my life. But I don’t want you to know how bad my life is. Maybe I am afraid you will run if you see, or think I want more. I DO want more, but I know it will not happen. I want to see you happy, even if it means being happy with someone else.

I want to be happy too. And I don’t know how to make it happen

Tuesday June 14, 2016

I struggle a lot with depression. I was suicidal a little over a year ago. I think having Our meet-up cancelled AGAIN last week has seriously depressed me. I have barely heard from him since then. I have absolutely no energy and all I want to do is sleep. There have been no changes in my medications to mess me up and I was fine – great, in fact – until I got back here last week. I need something to look forward to and right now there is nothing on my agenda. I guess i should look forward to mid-August when he will be in my area for 2 ½ months, but without a certain day in mind, it just seems abstract to me. I know he is insanely busy – basically he is doing two jobs at this point – but… But what? I know i am really just on the sides of his life. His job is first, family second, then extended family, then possibly me. Argh. Seems we are all in a funk right now

Thursday June 9, 2016

So close… So very very close

Right now i should be with MM. We had it all planned. I was “on vacation” this week and was supposed to drive in to see him. I was within hours of leaving when he gets the call he has to work tomorrow morning. Argh. Originally we were going to meet tonight after work, and I was going to stay since he wasn’t supposed to work until 6 pm Friday , and then still stay over tomorrow night (sticking around while he worked), and then not driving back here until he left for work Saturday morning. But dammit! He got called in early due to some problems. Argh!!! This is like the fourth or fifth time since February we’ve had to cancel. He has a very demanding job, or else I’d be thinking he was cancelling due to guilt.

I musn’t overthink…. That’s a big weakness of mine.

May 27, 2016 1:33 am

I just read something in a book that triggered a realization in me. My ex killed what was best in me, the person I wanted to be, the person I had a chance of becoming, my best self.

So who am I really? “We’re all in a process of giving birth to a new self that’s somehow better than the old one, or at least one we like better… Does one of the people support this? Does one of the people stand in your way? … You can’t be with someone who doesn’t support you becoming who you want to be.”

With me, I always wanted to write. I feel my ex always saw it as a way of making money rather than a creative endeavor. With my MM, he wants to know what I am writing and how it is coming along – but no pressure. Ex has always been “I wish you’d write so we can make some money” (perhaps not those exact words, but very close.) Maybe perhaps since MM is in a creative field with a creative job, he understands the process easier. But I find it funny that I have written more in the last eight months with MM than I have in 22 years with my ex.

I don’t feel guilty about my MM, but I do feel guilty when I think about moving out – probably because of my ex’s illness and knowing he would not take care of himself.

Everyone says I don’t owe him anything, but I feel like I am just leaving him to die. My tarot card reading says I must allow myself to be happy, and in order to do that I have to leave here. It also says I MUST allow myself to move forward – and that means away from here.

April 2016

The wife is coming of course… Hoping she only stays until Monday and we can still get some time in though

I wrote this to MM. And I feel better for doing so

It’s like 3 am and I am awake due to disappointment with our weekend cancellation yet again and Thoughts about our conversation from the other night, so I thought I’d try to write them out a little. Don’t worry, it’s not bad and I’m not changing what I told you, but maybe explaining myself a little more.

I just want to say that I knew from Day One that there were no expectations. And truly there aren’t any. I really do mean that. Yes I have definite stirrings and feelings for you, but I also know the limitations of our relationship. I did not expect to fall for you – especially as fast and as hard as our connection seemed to be from the very beginning. Seriously all I really want is what we have – it’s all I expect. And I kind of do like my freedom too… I can come and go and do things (well, under Asshat’s reign) and still know there’s a sexy hot man who wants to talk dirty and have lots of fun with me. And that helps my self-esteem too.

I would definitely like to be able to see you more (especially the way we seem to get so very close and then have it crumble) because I do find you so very very sexy and nasty and fun!

And just because I might express my desire to see you does not mean I need a escalation of our relationship. Wanting to spend time with you or see you or talk to you is a real need and not on the same scale of wanting escalation.

I will admit I have thought about it, but it’s all kind of a “what if”. Maybe that’s a woman thing, I don’t know.

I just want you in my life. Life with you in it is infinitely better than life without you in it. You make me laugh, and you make me horny and wet. Total package 😉 And I love the way we can laugh at ourselves and each other and have fun. I love how we can say and talk about ANYTHING and not worry about offending each other. But maybe if we were together all the time we would lose that spark. This separation keeps the yearning desires fresh. I do not want to lose that by any means!

And as I have said before, if you want out, just tell me! The WORST thing you could ever do is just disappear. I would forever wonder what happened, or why.

I think you get lonely and bored on the road and I get lonely and bored with my situation, so together we can help relieve that with each other. You know I am and always will be here for you as long as you want me to be.

I think that pretty well sums up what I wanted to say. Sorry for rambling (and no Fireball was involved, lol)

Thank you for being you! I appreciate the REAL you!

And I also wrote a second much shorter note after I sent this:

“We are MUCH more than Friends with Benefits”

April 2016

Mercury is definitely in retrograde. MM just told me his wife said she MIGHT be done in North Carolina sooner than expected and hat she said she MIGHT bring the kids to visit him — but she doesn’t know when she might be done or when she might bring the kids, or even IF this will happen. UGH! (I do believe him – he’s not just trying to get out of it.) We really need to get together and we really need to talk!

We are planning still to get together, just in case. He says she has done this before, and then ended up unable to come anyways. And we’d both hate to cancel and then have her not show. I can always change plans, or even turn the car around.

I NEED SOME GOOD VIBES SENT MY WAY PLEASE!!! Thanks!

January 30, 2019

I started this journey because I was totally broken. I had to move back in with my ex-husband because I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t like myself as I was, I had lost my faith in a superior being, and I wanted change. I had been living for other people so much, I had forgotten to live for myself. I had spent 20 years taking care of my ex with an autoimmune disease that he became controlling and emotionally abusive if I wanted to do something for myself. He is still that way. The roommate that screwed me over in New York was narcissistic and couldn’t handle how I did things. I’d had enough.

I needed to work on myself. I had joined the Mormon church to please my ex. For a short while, I did get caught up in their fervency. But it wasn’t really me. When they would not support my divorce, I knew that Church was not true. I knew before that, but the divorce was the final straw.

I hadn’t had sex in 3 years. I craved a good relationship, but hated myself. Living with my ex, I knew he’d never let me date. Surreptitiously, I started talking to a few male friends on Facebook. I took my first nude photos and sent them off, terrified. I kind of fell for the first guy, but not so deeply that I was devastated when he fell for another girl (he was married too, but pursuing me and another). He was a little crazy.

The second guy introduced me to an amateur porn site. I was nervous, but created an account. I filled out my profile honestly, something I know most people don,t. Within a day, I had a 20-something guy message me. His profile pic was hot. He was athletic, and single or he said. After some tinglingly naughty pics and texts, he wanted to meet up. I never did go see him. A few weeks later, I found out he was engaged. In fact,he was sexting me the day before his wedding! We still talk occasionally, but I don’t trust him at all.

Then my MM messaged me. He was honest from day one, telling me he was married. But the connection was deep and instantaneous. Within a few weeks I drove 1200 miles one-way to meet with him. Fuuuuuck…. It was well worth it!

Looking back at these old messages I have been transferring, I realize how far I’ve come. I have a lot of anxieties still and some deep bouts of depression. We’ve had our quiet periods, especially a year ago when he was home for several months, but he has always come back. I am no longer as cray when he is busy for a few days. Ihave confidence he’ll be back.

I can only hope someday for more. But if it doesn’t happen – and really I don’t expect it, although I do want it – I know I am much happier now than I was three years ago. He has given me confidence, has opened my eyes as well as my heart. I am okay.