Transfer Post – Sigh

Quick check-in. I haven’t said much lately because there hasn’t been anything to say. I haven’t talked to My MM in over a week (sigh). But he is extremely busy! He is finishing up one contract while simultaneously starting up another. Next week he’ll be in NYC, then he’ll be 2 weeks home with the family, then another week in NYC before we can even think about seeing each other again. Also, you may remember he had two friends commit suicide earlier this summer – well, they had to put one of their dogs to sleep too! I haven’t been able to talk to him much all summer, but glad he still tells me what’s going on. I am not overthinking as much as i used to, but i still wonder in the back of my head if he’s just trying to let go slowly. Even though i have told him multiple times to just tell me if he wants out. I guess i’ll find out as time goes on.

Funny thing though…i had my tarot cards read. I have used this same woman 3 or 4 times now and each time she really seems to nail it. I have had psychics and tarots before that have never been as accurate as she is. But anyways she said that he is kind of in a bad state of mind, but i have to make up my mind to be the “guiding light he needs to reach his full potential” or go off on my own. And that he will let me in, but it may not for a long time. Maybe not on this timeline at all but that we WILL meet again (afterlife). She also said i can choose to be there for him while still being true to myself. Well if i can be there for him and help him, i am all for that! As one of my friends once said, my life is infinitely better with him in it.

I just have to be happy myself too. And so far I am — i just miss him!

Transfer Post – Another Loss

Monday July 10, 2016

In a way I am getting tired of this relationship. I feel like I am the one sacrificing everything.

We are at a quiet point again because allegedly he had another friend commit suicide. That’s two in basically one months’ time. I’ve never not trusted him, but it just seems too convenient. So a day when i KNOW he’s off work and he doesn,t message. I don,t get to see him. I am just waiting.

It seems I am always waiting.

It has been since October since I have seen him. Surely sometime in the last 9 ½ months there was a way i could have been with him. It seems there are always excuses.

Maybe he’s afraid of really doing something “kinky” or maybe he’s afraid of getting caught. But we HAVE been together, that cannot be undone. So why worry about that? We get so close but something always happens. And now i am really beginning to wonder if he’s making stuff up. I don’t want my walls to go back up. I have been trying hard to trust him. Its bad enough i have to share him with his family. If there is someone else I would be devastated.

Yea i know i’m overthinking. I just feel like i don’t matter. All he has to do is send a few messages.

I’m really beginning to think i might need to get out. If we don’t get together during the two months he is in nearby – and it better be more than once – i will seriously tell him i need more consideration. It will be over a year since we met at that point.

Ugh…

I wish someone could talk to him and find out what is happening. I know he is having trouble at home too. Maybe we all just need a break from this.

Transfer Post – He’s Back

Sunday July 3, 2016

I’ve been quiet for a few days since MM was home with family for a bit. But he messaged me as soon as he got to his hometown airport, and in the cab to the hotel, and for a couple of hours after he checked in. It lets me know he missed me and I was right to give him some space.

He started complaining about his wife. I never know what to say. I do not want to put any pressure on him at all. But it hurts to see him in pain. And it makes me wonder what is really going through his mind. When she sits out of a family excursion when they don’t get a lot of family time together, it says something.

I can’t overthink this.

But I did email him this morning, a couple of days after that conversation, to let him know some thoughts. I said I am really the last one who should comment on the situation. I tried to keep my own feelings out of it, to look at things objectively, and told him they really need to talk and see if they can compromise. They are both hurting. And it hurts me to see him like that. And that he trusts me to tell me.

Transfer Post – Quick Update

June 25, 2016

He did send me a photo yesterday, but for some reason my notification dinger didn’t go off so it was a couple of hours until I found it and by then he was at work. (Sigh) That’s the first one he’s sent since this all happened. He looks good in it – I mean he doesn’t look depressed or upset. He goes home for a week on Monday. I wrote him and thanked him for the picture, and told him to go home next week and re-affirm LIFE, that I’ll be here, and sent him a picture back. He read them, but didn’t reply. But weekends are crazy for him. I’ll just settle in and wait and send good vibes his way.

Transfer Post – A Week Later

June 23, 2016

I am getting worried about my MM. I did get to talk with him briefly, but I could tell he is just not the same. The fun-loving man is gone. I know coping with the loss of his friend is horrible. I am giving him time and space. But my own thoughts get to me at times. I try to push them away, but almost two weeks after he received the news there doesn’t seem to be much progress on his end.

He goes home for a week next week. Maybe rest and being with his family – who also knew his friend – will help him come to terms a bit.

I only want the best for him

TMI – Ben-Wa Balls

Not really a sex toy. This is what my MM got for me for my birthday in 2017.

FIRST: DO NOT BELIEVE GWENETH PALTROW AND HER “GOOP” BRAND. DO NOT USE JADE OR MINERAL/ROCK BASED BALLS! Minerals and rocks are for the most part porous and cannot be cleaned thoroughly. This can led to infections and such from dirt and bacteria! Use silicone or stainless steel or glass.

SECOND: If you have read the “Fifty Shades of Gray” books, you know how these were portrayed. Balls are not all that the books made them out to be.

Ben-Wa balls, eggs, whatever name they may come under, are actually an exercise weight. The idea is to strengthen the floor of your pussy. That should give greater orgasms. Really you cannot wear them DURING intercourse, but you can use them as a foreplay method. They come in different sizes and different weights. Start low and work up if you so desire. I like to challenge myself and wear them several hours.

Of course these get inserted into the vagina – all the way. I have had 2 different sets now. One was encased in silicone and had a silicone “bumper” between the two balls and a piece of silicone that would hang between your legs for easier removal. These were good for practicality, and there was little movement from the balls as I moved around. The silicone made them more comfortable and the weight was low. I could almost forget they were there. Easy to remove, but i liked to push them out myself, as he is fascinated by that.

I much prefer the glass ones The MM got me. Larger and heavier, and when you move around, you can feel them moving inside. These are about 1 ½ inches and the silicone ones were about 1 inch each. I wore them the entire trip down to see him last time. (Be careful when you pee that they don’t fall out – they make a loud clank against a toilet bowl lol!) During sex, he removed one himself somewhat easily but could not fish the second one out. I had to push it and miscalculated a bit. It hit his upper arm rather than his hands.)

A little off topic – Social Security Disability Cases

What People Don’t Understand..

#1 – Binder & Binder are NOT attorneys. They are “advocates”.

#2 – Social Security is nothing but a waiting game. They are understaffed and underfunded. It is not that the lawyer/representative is not doing anything, it is that your file is at the SSA in a pile and will not get looked at or scheduled for months or years. There is nothing for your representative to do during this wait.

#3 – 90% of cases are denied the very first time due to the fact that over half of the denied cases will not appeal. This is from an attorneywho previously worked FOR SSA

#4 – it is not determined by whether your condition is on the list of disabilities, but by how severe your symptoms are

#5 – it is also determined by if you can do ANY job (janitorial, laundry services, etc.) not just the job you previously had

#6 – contact your Congressman about your case. It’s not a guarantee, but it can help.

I have been through this process several times – first for my (now ex) husband who had a rare autoimmune disease (took 2 years from initial filing), and my son who has severe PTSD (1 1/2 years from initial filing), and now myself. I was denied at first Judicial Hearing for SSD and now just got my date for SSI Judicial Hearing. I filed initially in 2013