The Beginning

(Note – I will be slowly moving my Tumblr blog here, so I am starting back at the beginning of my journey.)

January 22, 2016

A little bit about my very complicated story. I was married for 20+ years. In 1996 my husband was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. He almost died and became medically disabled. He became emotionally abusive and very very co-dependent. He watched every thing I did and very controlling. I gave it a good run. Sixteen years later I divorced him, and a year after that I moved out to help a friend go through college (It took me that long to save up enough to move). However, six months later my roommate bailed out and I was stuck. I had no money and nowhere else to go but back with my ex. Our son was still at home and struggling to complete high school, so I dedicated my efforts to helping him. I was extremely depressed and in therapy. I almost committed suicide. But stayed for my son.

Then my son was finally able to graduate and he moved out with some friends. He also had problems with his father being controlling and emotionally abusive. He is doing much better away from his father and told me he is never coming back, even for a visit, after what happened at Thanksgiving.

Suddenly I had nothing going on besides trying to fend off and ignore my ex. During the past few years I have gone through a total transformation. I lost faith in god and religion – especially after my Church refused to support my decision to divorce despite the abuse and depression. I really was at rock bottom. I knew I had to find the true me. I have always been a good person – all my friends always say how strong I am, and that dealing with my ex guaranteed me a place in heaven. I no longer really believe.

I started exploring myself. I needed something in my life. I started looking on dating sites and started talking to some interesting men. I was surprised at the number of married men on these sites. Unfulfilled and lonely. I steered away from them. I wanted someone for myself, someone I could show off and talk about openly.

Then one day I got a message from a guy. He was very open and honest. He told me from day one that he was married but not exactly happy in his marriage. And that he would not break up his family. Normally I would stop at that point, but something just intrigued me. Maybe it was his complete honesty. And I figured that talking wouldn’t hurt.

But from the beginning we just clicked. We had so many of the same interests. I think he even felt it. After weeks of talking back and forth – for hours on end – we decided to meet. He was the first one I ever met from any dating site. I traveled halfway across the country to meet him. And it was glorious.

I was almost afraid he would not contact me again afterwards. But he did. And we have just grown closer.

One good thing though is that his job takes him on the road for months at a time. So neither I or his family get to see him much. Although I know his wife has seen him a few more times since I have, he has been totally open and honest with me. And I have been the same with him. We will be meeting again soon and still talk on a daily basis.

I never, ever, ever expected to be the OW. I looked down on them so much – I have seen my brothers and sisters marriages fall apart time after time due to infidelity. I never wanted that or to be that.

He told me very recently for the first time that he loves me. He also told me (again) that he “cannot allow himself to fall head over heels in love with me” and run off with me. I know he is staying more for his kids than for his wife. And I did know that from Day One. He never led me on. I took an entire weekend to think through every aspect before I ever agreed to meet him. I came to the conclusion that to NOT be with him would be worse than having him and losing him. I know if we would be found out he would stay with his wife. Right now I am happier than I have been in years and years. Despite the complications.

I know he has had other one-night-stands in the past. In fact, two days after we met he told me he was meeting someone for sex that night. I felt more jealousy towards that woman than I have ever felt towards his wife I do not think he has been in other relationships though.

I am not a bad person. I did not search out a married man deliberately. I do not want to break up a family. I just want to be in his life, even in a small way.

I am still living with my ex. Ex is still very controlling. I will probably be here for a while yet since he is so ill and needs someone to look after him. It is not the best situation – I know he still has feelings for me, but I gave no desire for him at all. I only interact with him about food and health. But now I have something else to fill my empty hours.