Transfer Post – If D-Day Were To Come

It’s a difficult thing. I try to hide everything – all communication and plans – from my ex. My phone and iPad are password protected and he doesn’t know the passwords. But I also know that sometimes I push to see how much I can get away with. Ex is pretty oblivious to a lot of things. Like today I was actually in the same room with my ex while texting my MM. Ex even asked who was talking to me. I just said it was our son. Now, he could have taken my iPad out of my hands and said oh let me talk too – but I know he isn’t likely to spend that much energy or care, despite how he talks and despite his jealousy.

If there was a d-day, I know MM would stay with his wife. The very first day we started talking he told me: “our ( him and w) relationship is very distant – physically and emotionally. I travel for work and am only home a few weeks a year. I’m in a new city every couple weeks… My wife still wants me, and we still love each other in our own ways, but she’s not the person I married 20 years ago and I don’t like who she’s become. The only reason I stay is for the kids, and because it’s just easier. I guess that makes me lazy, but it works.” And he’s told me a few other things too that I know he’d stay for the kids.

All I could really hope is someday he would come back after things cooled down. Or maybe she’d get tired of basically being a single mom and leave him. But I can’t see that happening

Transfer Post – He’s Back

Wednesday April 6, 2016

Talked with my MM for a while yesterday. My brain in working again. Also got my tattoo – a cover-up of one that symbolizes ex-H to one that reminds me of MM but is still a style I would keep even if we broke up. Sent him pics throughout the process. He likes it a lot Styled off of his but uniquely my own

Today he messaged me from work to play a bit – which is something we haven’t done in a while. I love it when he gets naughty at work. Especially when I send some pics and find out later he was talking to someone when they came through.

Transfer Post

Monday April 4, 2016

Day 5 of our temporary NC while his family is visiting. Again. Really its more than that because we haven’t had a really good conversation in about 12 days. I got to talk to him about 10 minutes last week total. (Sigh) At least I am not really overthinking – if anything it feels like my brain has shut down. I just really miss him and wish he would at least say hi. I feel depressed and like I am always just waiting. Tomorrow afternoon I will be the one unavailable as I have a couple of appointments about the time he may contact. And since its been so long since we’ve been together I just feel lethargic.

Transfer Post

Saturday April 2, 2016

So far so good. I’ve been busy though I slept most of today (don’t think it’s depression, I think I am exhausted because I spent several days this week at my son’s apt. And did not sleep well there. I started to overthink a little, but shut it down quickly. I printed out a picture of MM and taped it to my desk where I can see it while I’m working. That helped a bit. Muddling through so far although I can’t help but think of him and wonder

Transfer Post – Insecure

Saturday March 26, 2016

So I get a message from my MM about an hour ago. He was apologizing about being out of touch and saying that he is busy and he just can’t keep up with everything. I told him there was no need to apologize and just stop in every so often and say “hi” so I know he’s okay.

But…

I know I’m insane. 5 minutes ago I was thinking what a good place I am at right now. Then it just hit me that I read his message wrong and replied wrong and he was trying to break up with me because of being so busy. I know I won’t hear from him for a few days because he is moving to Detroit this weekend for a couple weeks and will be busy.

Truly I know that isn’t what he meant. He meant what he wrote, that he was sorry for being out of communication. But my freaking brain takes this one thought and runs with it. Argh!!

Why do I have to overthink everything? And I was feeling good and it literally just FLASHED in my brain that he was trying to tell me something

ARGH!!!

I know I write these melting brain posts probably at least once a week. I apologize and thank you for putting up with them and for the support and feedback

Transfer Post – Little Things

Friday March 25, 2016

I love it when he messages me right out of the blue with a frustration or problem. It means he knows he can turn to me to listen, and I can usually get a laugh out of him. Right now his frustration is filling out customs paperwork for his visit to Toronto. I hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days nor had he checked his messages so I was happy to hear from him just out of nowhere like that. It makes me feel special for some reason

Transfer Post – Renewed

Tuesday March 22, 2016

Just wanted to say I talked with my MM today and all is good. It’s my paranoia keeping me from being as happy as I should be. I even mentioned how I was getting to the place where I can’t go on indefinitely and he said he does want to see me but it’s so hard not knowing what his schedule is like and such. I said as long as I know it’s still on the table (and the floor and the bed : wink wink : ) I could survive. But sometimes it was hard to know for sure. Maybe I scared him a bit because he promised to send more pictures and videos (he has slacked off quite a bit since his schedule got so frenzied.)

So I feel good again – renewed in a way

Transfer Post – Unsure

Sunday March 20, 2016

I kind of feel like an idiot, but really there was no way for me to know.

I was feeling a little playful yesterday so I decided to flirt some with my guy. I sent him a bunch of stupid pick-up lines and then a racy photo over a period of a few hours. He didn’t respond to them, but I didn’t think anything of it because a lot of times he is too busy. I just wanted to bother him a bit.

After I send the photo I get a response. He is apologetic that he didn’t answer, but he had been dealing with a crisis at home.

I felt so embarrassed. I don’t want to bother his time talking to family – and I certainly don’t want to make light of a crisis situation. His family was supposed to visit this week but now at least the older kid cannot due to his problems at school. (I do not know if the younger boy and the wife are still coming – I am guessing they are and the older boy will stay with grandparents.) I immediately felt contrite and consoled him a bit and let him go (I know he is a “strong silent type” and wouldn’t want to discuss too much.)

This morning somehow I got it in my mind that if his family doesn’t come, he will ask me to visit. I started getting really excited. I texted him early, since I knew he had to work a little earlier than normal, and again apologized for spamming him. He said I was not spamming but it was poor timing. I agreed. We talked a bit more about the situation with his kid and hen he said that he and hi wife would figure it out after I tried to come up with some suggestions. I am pretty sure I took that the wrong way. That’s one thing about texting – sometimes you’re just not quite sure what emphasis to put on which word … was it “me and MY WIFE will figure it out” in an attempt to get me to stop horning in on his family problems, about it or just a mild “me and my wife will figure it out” because he really doesn’t know what to do. I almost wonder if he will contact me again.

And of course there was no invitation although I did say if he needed a hug I could be there in a few hours. And I still don’t know if the rest of his family will be visiting or not.

I must stop overthinking….

But I think I am getting to he place if I don;t see him when I expect to sometime during the next six weeks or so, I am going to have to totally re-think everything – and that’s just something I do not want to do. But I cannot go on indefinitely without seeing him….