Morgan Destera

So, after work and after talking to his wife, MM went to the bar in his hotel. We were joking around texting and then he suddenly got very serious. I had actually forgotten he went to the bar, but it explains why the conversation got so serious.

He suddenly said he felt guilty about not seeing the kids. I thought at first he meant that they were supposed to visit, but he said that we’re not, that his wife as in North Carolina on business until Monday, but he felt maybe he should fly home to see the kids at home over this weekend. Oh…. This was supposed to be OUR weekend… But I told him it was up to him, that I was not going to force him to see me or yell at him, but that I would be disappointed but could cope. And that I understood, but his family might not. And we got into this whole long conversation about our relationship. I did have some tears, but I had some joy too. It was something that needed to be re-hashed out since we only cursorily talked about it one other time – the details and such.

I told him I loved him but I didn’t expect anything – reiterated that point several times. He said he feels guilty too that he can’t be everything I want him to be but I said no guilt, I am making my own choices too, and that I am being selfish in taking what I can get. And that I just wanted him to be happy. And I knew we can’t last forever.

He said I was “pretty fucking amazing, did (I) know that?” And I said no, I sometimes think I am letting myself in for a big breakdown and he said that is what he is trying to avoid at all costs. Ugh.

“You say you can’t be everything I want you to be – but I can’t help but say it would have to be something YOU would want too (not just because I would want it) – and believe me I do NOT expect it by any means – as I said I have made my own choices too and have known this since Day One” – me

And that if they would ever break up it would have to be because of his relationship with her, not because of his relationship with me. And then I found out their marriage is also part business contract – a business that would not survive if they broke up, so there is no break up in the foreseeable future… And that she still loves and wants him, but he really does not like the person she has become. And if she didn’t still love him, it would be much easier. He does love her – their history more than anything – but he doesn’t like her. Which is a lot the same with me – I will always care for my ex because of our history but I really don’t like him or respect him.

I also found out a little more about his own history and let’s just say I am glad he survived! A lot of his friends did not. And that he sometimes misses the carefree life, and gets bored living responsibly for his family – which is where I come in, so to speak. I am a risk and a delight.

But he needed me to be 100% okay with our situation. I told him again I loved him but I am happy with our relationship. He can’t feel like I want more than he can give (classic guilt setting in it sounds like)

I told him again if he ever wants out, just tell me – and he immediately fired back he does not want out (which gave me some joy) but that he needs us to be on the same page – friends with nasty, kinky benefits. Which I am, because truthfully it is all I ever expected.

“I love how we can sext and laugh at ourselves, and I need to know that it’s the same in person” – Him

Which is what I absolutely adore about our relationship

And that I am not going to change – if he thinks I’m getting too smarmy, to call me out on it! And I also like having my freedom (such as it is with my ex) yet still having a sexy man who wants me too

“But what I really need is for you to not even want anything more” – him
“I really truly am happy with our situation” – me
“I’m sorry. I’m obsessing” – him
“No, you just don’t want to hurt me” – me
“But the last thing in the world I want is to hurt you” – him (at same time)

So…
Sorry for the long post….
We ARE still meeting up this weekend.

But I think guilt is starting to get to him, which is why he went to the bar in the first place – especially after talking to both of us at the same time (he didn’t have to tell me that – so he does trust me not to flip out).

It is what it is

It’s a difficult thing. I try to hide everything – all communication and plans – from my ex. My phone and iPad are password protected and he doesn’t know the passwords. But I also know that sometimes I push to see how much I can get away with. Ex is pretty oblivious to a lot of things. Like today I was actually in the same room with my ex while texting my MM. Ex even asked who was talking to me. I just said it was our son. Now, he could have taken my iPad out of my hands and said oh let me talk too – but I know he isn’t likely to spend that much energy or care, despite how he talks and despite his jealousy.

If there was a d-day, I know MM would stay with his wife. The very first day we started talking he told me: “our ( him and w) relationship is very distant – physically and emotionally. I travel for work and am only home a few weeks a year. I’m in a new city every couple weeks… My wife still wants me, and we still love each other in our own ways, but she’s not the person I married 20 years ago and I don’t like who she’s become. The only reason I stay is for the kids, and because it’s just easier. I guess that makes me lazy, but it works.” And he’s told me a few other things too that I know he’d stay for the kids.

All I could really hope is someday he would come back after things cooled down. Or maybe she’d get tired of basically being a single mom and leave him. But I can’t see that happening

Wednesday April 6, 2016

Talked with my MM for a while yesterday. My brain in working again. Also got my tattoo – a cover-up of one that symbolizes ex-H to one that reminds me of MM but is still a style I would keep even if we broke up. Sent him pics throughout the process. He likes it a lot Styled off of his but uniquely my own

Today he messaged me from work to play a bit – which is something we haven’t done in a while. I love it when he gets naughty at work. Especially when I send some pics and find out later he was talking to someone when they came through.

Monday April 4, 2016

Day 5 of our temporary NC while his family is visiting. Again. Really its more than that because we haven’t had a really good conversation in about 12 days. I got to talk to him about 10 minutes last week total. (Sigh) At least I am not really overthinking – if anything it feels like my brain has shut down. I just really miss him and wish he would at least say hi. I feel depressed and like I am always just waiting. Tomorrow afternoon I will be the one unavailable as I have a couple of appointments about the time he may contact. And since its been so long since we’ve been together I just feel lethargic.

Saturday April 2, 2016

So far so good. I’ve been busy though I slept most of today (don’t think it’s depression, I think I am exhausted because I spent several days this week at my son’s apt. And did not sleep well there. I started to overthink a little, but shut it down quickly. I printed out a picture of MM and taped it to my desk where I can see it while I’m working. That helped a bit. Muddling through so far although I can’t help but think of him and wonder

Friday April 1, 2016

I went back and read through some of our older messages. It made me feel better and reminded me of some things. I know he’ll be back. I just miss him. I only got to talk to him about 10 minutes since last Saturday. It may be another 6 or 7 days. Blah.

Thursday March 31, 2016

Just found out his family is visiting – since he is basically in his own back yard. (Sigh). Probably 5 days of no contact. I’ll be okay – been through this before. Just wish so many different things… Have to keep in my good place so I don’t start overthinking

Saturday March 26, 2016

So I get a message from my MM about an hour ago. He was apologizing about being out of touch and saying that he is busy and he just can’t keep up with everything. I told him there was no need to apologize and just stop in every so often and say “hi” so I know he’s okay.

But…

I know I’m insane. 5 minutes ago I was thinking what a good place I am at right now. Then it just hit me that I read his message wrong and replied wrong and he was trying to break up with me because of being so busy. I know I won’t hear from him for a few days because he is moving to Detroit this weekend for a couple weeks and will be busy.

Truly I know that isn’t what he meant. He meant what he wrote, that he was sorry for being out of communication. But my freaking brain takes this one thought and runs with it. Argh!!

Why do I have to overthink everything? And I was feeling good and it literally just FLASHED in my brain that he was trying to tell me something

ARGH!!!

I know I write these melting brain posts probably at least once a week. I apologize and thank you for putting up with them and for the support and feedback

Friday March 25, 2016

I love it when he messages me right out of the blue with a frustration or problem. It means he knows he can turn to me to listen, and I can usually get a laugh out of him. Right now his frustration is filling out customs paperwork for his visit to Toronto. I hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days nor had he checked his messages so I was happy to hear from him just out of nowhere like that. It makes me feel special for some reason