Morgan Destera

Sunday March 20, 2016

I kind of feel like an idiot, but really there was no way for me to know.

I was feeling a little playful yesterday so I decided to flirt some with my guy. I sent him a bunch of stupid pick-up lines and then a racy photo over a period of a few hours. He didn’t respond to them, but I didn’t think anything of it because a lot of times he is too busy. I just wanted to bother him a bit.

After I send the photo I get a response. He is apologetic that he didn’t answer, but he had been dealing with a crisis at home.

I felt so embarrassed. I don’t want to bother his time talking to family – and I certainly don’t want to make light of a crisis situation. His family was supposed to visit this week but now at least the older kid cannot due to his problems at school. (I do not know if the younger boy and the wife are still coming – I am guessing they are and the older boy will stay with grandparents.) I immediately felt contrite and consoled him a bit and let him go (I know he is a “strong silent type” and wouldn’t want to discuss too much.)

This morning somehow I got it in my mind that if his family doesn’t come, he will ask me to visit. I started getting really excited. I texted him early, since I knew he had to work a little earlier than normal, and again apologized for spamming him. He said I was not spamming but it was poor timing. I agreed. We talked a bit more about the situation with his kid and hen he said that he and hi wife would figure it out after I tried to come up with some suggestions. I am pretty sure I took that the wrong way. That’s one thing about texting – sometimes you’re just not quite sure what emphasis to put on which word … was it “me and MY WIFE will figure it out” in an attempt to get me to stop horning in on his family problems, about it or just a mild “me and my wife will figure it out” because he really doesn’t know what to do. I almost wonder if he will contact me again.

And of course there was no invitation although I did say if he needed a hug I could be there in a few hours. And I still don’t know if the rest of his family will be visiting or not.

I must stop overthinking….

But I think I am getting to he place if I don;t see him when I expect to sometime during the next six weeks or so, I am going to have to totally re-think everything – and that’s just something I do not want to do. But I cannot go on indefinitely without seeing him….

Since I am out of commission for a bit yet, I have decided to expand my talk to include sex toys. I admit the MM and I are kind of kinky, but not particularly BDSM kinky. I have a medical kink and have dragged him into it too. He is pretty much into everything except pain/degradation. First to answer A question – a medical kink is “playing doctor” pretty much, but with instruments and toys and even roleplaying and dress up. I don’t necessarily need the dress up and role play (if I do dress up, i prefer the real deal – scrubs and lab coats and gowns – as compared the fake rubber or latex) but the toys and instruments turn me on. While some women may dread the gynecoligist office, I kind of look forward to it. I think it goes back to all the doctors I saw as a kid due to my eyes, and has been brought back with the last 20+ years of being with my ex and having to take him to so many doctors and hospitals. The first toy doesn’t nevessarily have to do with the medical kink. I do like anal play too.

Anal beads come in two different varieties – solid (like in the photo) and on a string. The string ones are more old-fashioned and are not easy to clean since they are on a string that would get dirty easily.The idea for anal beads, of course, is to feed them into your anus while masturbating or lovemaking, and then yank them out at the moment of orgasm. Do NOT yank them out like you are trying to start a lawnmower, lol! Use some quickness, but don,t try to break a record! Anal beads are usually graduated in size, going from big at the base to small at the tip. This allows your anus to stretch a bit, which really is the whole idea of anal play really. Of course, as with any anal toy, use lube!!The ones i have vibrate also. To me, any toy that vibrates is a plus. Just that little extra excitement.

Yesterday I had a weird dream that my MM was getting ready to head out again for his job and he wanted to see me before he left (we must have been in the same locale for a change). I was having surgery though, right when they were getting ready to leave. So after surgery the (doctors I guess) took me to the airport and laid me out on a long cafeteria table to wait for him. All these people from his job, kids, families, kept showing up, gathering around the table I was laying on, even checking my wounds and stuff. I asked one of the older kids that this must happen a lot with all the travelling they did and she said it happens more than you can imagine. I was a little paranoid since I wasn’t his wife and everyone knew I was there to see him, but no one said anything or batted an eye. Finally he showed up, standing over me

And that’s when I woke up because my notification tone told me he had just messaged me!

Since October I have not been feeling well. Lower abdominal pain. After 2 ER visits, I was able to get in to see my OBGYN. Due to my history of endometriosis and fibroids, it was decided I should have a total hysterectomy. Last week, it finally happened. There was a few minor complications. I had to stay overnight before being released. However, I just still was not feeling well and started running a fever. Wednesday I called in to see my OB and an ultrasound found some infected fluid. She sent me to ER to get some labs and a CT scan. I have an abscess inside on one of the incision sites. and was admitted and put on IV antibiotics. It was supposed to be one night stay again. They have helped but not enough. She did another ultrasound and there was no real improvement in the abscess itself. So last night she went back in to open the abscess to let it drain. The on-call doctor was just in now. I’m staying here. WBC went up and I have a little temperature, So he wants to keep me. Especially since it’s only like 12 hours since surgery. Just to see if things settle down. I don’t feel as good as I did even yesterday for sure. So a one-night stay has turned into 4 so far.

Super short story – “HOW TO DEAL WITH FRUSTRATION” by MorganDestera https://www.deviantart.com/morgandestera/art/HOW-TO-DEAL-WITH-FRUSTRATION-737031840

Wednesday March 16, 2016

Last week was great. We actually had time to talk for a few hours each day for several days – just like we used to be able to in the beginning before he had to start travelling each week.

But since Sunday night, I have not heard a thing. He hasn’t even logged in to check his messages and my last message/photo has gone unread…

It is not unusual for a message to go unread on Monday or Tuesday, but now its later Wednesday and he has not check in. Even when he is travelling he at least checks the messages even if he doesn’t get a chance to reply.

So now my anxiety is starting to ramp up. Did he get injured? Did he get fired? Is his family in town (I know they are coming this week, but I did not expect them until Thursday at the earliest) — and of course the worst-case scenario — did his wife find out???

I have to hold on. Even if his wife did find out, I am sure he would let me know. I can’t see him just disappearing with no message.

He’ll be back…. he’s just busy…

Monday March 7, 2016

Poignant lyrics…

If you met him tomorrow and knew you would lose him
If you saw him and saw all the hurt you would know
Would you hold him while you had him
Or let him go?

If you knew that your laughter would not last forever
But you knew while it did you would breathe it like air
Would you let him make you love him
Would you dare?
Feeling like you feel today
Tell me you’d just walk away

What would you do if you could do it all over?
What would you do if you could start it all new?
If you could go back knowing what you know now
What would you do?

-Tom Kitt/Brian Yorkey
“What Would You Do”
If/Then Broadway

Wednesday March 2, 2016

My guy has some tattoos and body piercings – kind of along the lines with his line of work. The only thing I ever asked of him so far was some of his old body jewelry that I might wear. I was thinking just in my ears, but he sent me several pieces and later asked what I was going to do with it. I told him, and then he suggested a genital piercing with one of the extra pieces. I kind of amazed myself when I agreed to it. And amazed myself even more when I went alone and got it done. (I have a couple of small tattoos but always had someone come with me when I got those). I was upset to learn I couldn’t initially do the piercing with his stuff because it had to be sterile jewelry since it was a new piercing. This was done right before Christmas. (Kind of a symbolic day too – the year before I had decided to kill myself on that day, but didn’t follow through, thank goodness – what a difference a year makes!)

Today I had the jewelry changed out to his. And I sent him photos. I could just imagine his face from the comments I got. I was even bold enough to mis-quote Beyonce – “…if you like it, put a ring in it…” and luckily he laughed (I was almost afraid to put that in there, but I made sure the conversation was light).

Also something else I did today was drive to Detroit (I used to live up that way so I am used to it) and finalize my NEXUS (fast entry border pass for Canada) card so I can go visit him when he is in Toronto next month.

It was good to get out and do some things for me/us.

Sunday February 28, 2016

I had a little bit of an epiphany earlier tonight. What I have – and what I think most of us have in this situation – is true unconditional love. We love out MM/MW despite knowing they are married. We do not make demands on them (for the most part). We do not demand them to divorce or break up (for the most part). We love them and want them to be happy, not really expecting much in return because of the situation. Of course everyone’s situation is different, but I think this is true for most of us.

Friday February 26, 2016

Another weekend when he’s off with his family, even though he works tonight and over the weekend. I cannot begrudge him time with them. He does not get to see them like other men get to see their families, since he is on the road 97% of the time. I get sad because those are days I do not get to hear from him.

I wish he could make me a priority like he does them. But I can’t be one. I knew that going into this. If we could have seen each other earlier this month like we had planned, maybe I wouldn’t feel so adrift. As of right now, we have no meet up planned. I figure we will met sometime in April when he is in Toronto. I am hoping to maybe get to see him when he is in St. Louis in March, but again that may be close enough for his family to visit. I know when he is in Michigan he is going home to visit over his day off. And this Monday he is heading to NYC for three days of union meetings.

Is it worth even dreaming about anymore? I am so bored of being bored.

I hate these days we can’t connect – I am not jealous of his family, but I do wonder if he thinks about me. And I, on the other hand, overthink every little thing. Like how he didn’t say good night the last evening we talked (although he was at work, he usually still wishes me a good night). Argh – stupid brain. I hope he talks to me Sunday at least before he leaves for NYC.

Last weekend I had a very serious brain melt-down while his family was visiting. I do believe part of it was due to my new meds (Trazadone) interfering with my other pills. All I could do was sleep. I cried, I fixated, I obsessed, I had no energy. This was as bad of an attack as I have ever had. Thank goodness it only lasted one day. I think it was my meds because my brain felt weird, not just my thoughts but my actual brain itself. Sunday we talked again after his family left and everything was almost like old times – the teasing, the innuendos… (sigh)