Transfer Post – Resolution

Late afternoon March 19, 2017

It’s all okay now. We worked it out.

I couldn’t sleep last night with this weighing on my mind, so I wrote him a letter saying I knew, and that I wasn’t mad but was disappointed. He didn’t write back at first, but when he got into work I messaged him with a light note so he knew I wasn’t mad. And he told me he had so e problems with what I wrote. Basically he did not sleep with her (old friend and she is happily married, but how would i know that) nor did he sleep with anyone in Vegas (which I knew he didn’t). He was upset that I was looking for clues – which I really wasn’t but a lot of little things starting adding up after I woke up in the middle of the night with that sickening thought. That i was taking things a little too far because there is no way he can divorce or anything and we can’t be together on a more permanent basis. He does like talking to me and he loves getting together. He said he wasn’t angry and apologized if i ever felt he was leading me on (which he wasn’t – its all my warped perception). For a while i really thought it was over. Hence the note I posted here. But in the end we decided to just keep things the way they are – friends with extreme benefits… a little more than just regular friends with benefits. And I am okay with this. I guess sometimes i need to have it all put back in black and white.

I admit here i did cry a bit. But I am ok now. We are messaging as normal again.

But still a little disappointed.

Transfer Post – Very Early Morning March19, 2017

Hi Sweetie

I just need to get something off my chest. I know you slept with your friend Monday night. I am not mad, I am not angry. But I am disappointed. And a little hurt. And a little jealous. I also suspect you slept with someone in Vegas over your birthday too.

I know I can’t be everything, but I want to feel good enough. I am heartened that you still seem as interested in me as ever. But i want to be more than just a kink. I crave that too, the kink….believe me. Over the months you have become my best friend. You know how I feel about you. I know you can’t commit or anything of the sort. I am fine with that, really. Maybe all this breast pumping has my hormones going, lol.

But anyways I guess what i am trying to say is, don’t feel you have to hide stuff from me. I’d rather know than find out later. We can’t be “exclusive” since you’re married anyway (as much as I wish you weren’t). I (hopefully) have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months. I do kind of wish i could just be there for you because I think we both get fed up and lonely.

And again – if you ever want out, just tell me. Please don’t string me along. The worst you could do would be to just disappear.

Thanks for letting me rant a bit. I hope it wasn’t too painful. You put up with a lot from me, I know.  And I appreciate it greatly.

Xxxooo
Much Love,

Transfer Post – Ugh

March 18, 2017

It’s been an up-and-down week and I just haven’t had the energy to write. But I support you all in your decisions and everything still although I may not say it. Just some evidence piling up that wake me up at night.

I am 95% sure my MM slept with an “old friend” this week. I haven’t gotten him to admit it, although I have hinted around i suspect. He did say something that his friends list is getting shorter all the time, so maybe it didn’t work out. I do not want to confront him or fight.

I am more disappointed than anything. I tell myself I don,t care, but its obvious to myself that I do. Yet I still find myself drawn to him and sexting with him every day. Damn I’m weak. I am sure I knew it would happen all along.

I am hurt, but not devastated. I just wish I felt I was good enough. Its a blow to me, though.

I know I will go to bed with him again in a heartbeat.

Plus I had some ugh news about the ex and his eyes….

Transfer Post – More Musings on the Wife

March 2017

Since MM and his W are pretty much long distance also, I always believe they are having sex when they do get together. But I know this to not be the fact in reality. He has told me she doesn’t like to have sex much anymore. I don’t know if its because of age/menopause or just because she really doesn’t care. He has also told me she still loves him – but has also told me he feels like he is buying her affection with the gifts he gives her. He buys me gifts, too….but I am certain they are two totally different type of gifts, lol. He also said she is unhappy most of the time.

I try to play Devil’s advocate and see her side of the story as well – left alone most of the time to raise two boys. But I also know she has a ton of help from other family members. She also has the means to travel to see him a lot more than I do, plus she travels for business too.

The only really kind of mean/bad thing I said about her was one time MM and I was joking about how kinky sex is replacing vanilla sex and he asked me if that was a problem. I said, not for me but your wife probably won’t like it. He laughed hard – but I apologized and he said, you don’t need to be sorry, it was funny!

So….I get confused with the wife. If she really is unhappy, i wish she would leave him. I know he won’t leave her – at least at this point – due to the business. If the business is all they really have holding them together, that can be negotiated. I also don’t like the way she treats him sometimes, but all i know is his side of the story.

I just know if i was married to him and separated from him for so long, I would be worshipping him when I did get to see him. Much as I do now.

 

Transfer Post – His Birthday

Late February 2017

(A few weeks ago) is MM’S b-day. He just told me he decided to go to Vegas to celebrate it. No mention of wife and kids – and he has always told me if they are coming. He said the place he is at right now until the end of the month is really bad and noisy and he just wanted a little quiet. So I won’t get to talk to him tomorrow and definitely not see him. He just wants to go play some slots, which he finds as mindless fun. Am I thinking too much about this? No family going. Makes me wonder if something is up

—————

(Later that evening) I was really thinking that he was just going to relax BUT

I just got an out-of-context message from him and i asked what it was about and he said oops, wrong person. I asked who else he was talking with and he said his wife. But i was under the impression he didn’t talk to his wife on the same app. I don’t know for sure though.

I know he talks to other people….but now i am in overthinking mode

Argh

—————-

(Two Days Later)

Update:
Talking to MM right now. All is good. He said he went alone for some quiet because the place he is staying at for his job is really noisy and icky. And he just wanted a little time. Played a few slots. I get no air of guilt or hiding from him. He did message me as soon as he got back.

Transfer Post – I Think I Did Something Stupid

December 3, 2016

Was at my brother’s Christmas party tonight and got drunk. Texted my MM…

“I love you enough to let you go until you’re ready to come back. You have so much going on. I am here for you. If you don’t come back I will be sad but  I’ll understand. You deserve happiness. I want to be that for you…

“Send me a keychain (inside joke) and i’ll know you care. I am sorry baby. You don’t need the stress. You have enough going on.”

Then later a few “sorry” messages . And an (so far) unread “no guilt” message.

I feel like such an idiot now. Last thing he needs is more problems.

EDIT: He did write back the next day and everything is cool. And he DID send me my keychain! Poor guy had to fly across country and back in 24 hours on a quick assignment form work – on his day off.

Christmas is coming. He will be gone two weeks with his wife and family. That sucks. He was quiet at Thanksgiving too since his wife and family was with him. I also know he’s been extremely busy at work. I hope to fly out to see him in January or February

Transfer Post – Do You Believe in Signs?

Mid-October 2016

This past weekend was busy. My brother celebrated his wedding and I travelled to pick up my son so he could attend. Originally I was going to take him back on Sunday and then immediately drive up to visit my MM. But he cancelled – again.

So I was driving home from dropping my son off, and of course I was thinking about him and if all this is just a waste of time since we can never seem to get together. I was actually thinking of breaking it off …. and then this car comes by with Out-of-state plates and some bumper stickers. And as I go to pass it I see a sticker with his last name on it! Now, it is not a very common name, so I was totally startled. And the plate was from the state he is from…

I guess there is a guy who was senator from his state who was running a few years ago. BUT he is not active now, so this sticker is several years old.

I don’t know if I believe in signs anymore, but this was pretty blatant.

Transfer Post – One of Those Nights

October 6, 2016

This was one of those nights that makes me really wish he wasn’t married. Six hours of sexting fun and flirtation – even while he was at work. And photos and short vids. And intimacy too. The chemistry was churning. I almost wanted to cry because my heart was so full. Almost. I get to see him in 9 days…

He is NOT leaving the state without us getting together!!

Ugh. He drives me crazy. A few days of not hearing form him, and then POW – he steps up and shows me he does listen and cares.