Transfer Post- Peace

September 2, 2017

As this longest time of reduced contact draws to a close, I am realizing this is the first time I haven’t really been overthinking or analyzing every little thing. I guess that means I’ve grown. I do find myself trying to be around for his normal times of messaging, or when I know he may be waiting for the kids to get out of school. But this is this first time I haven’t delved into misery thinking he won’t get back to me, or he’ll ghost me. I am confident he’ll be back. And perhaps I’d even be okay overall if he left (as long as he would let me know he was caught or whatever the circumstances may be). I have the feeling even if he was caught, he might come back someday down the road. I am grateful for this state of mind. I am almost at peace. Now if I could just get away from my ex.

Transfer Post – Quick Contact

August 18, 2017

Yay! MM contacted me today! Still two weeks to go before he’s back. He did get the new contract – he basically had the job, but they needed to find someone to replace him on his current job. He found someone himself, lol. So in mid-Sept. he’ll be on a new road. More money and less responsibility. But that blows the plan for October. If we are lucky, we might be able to do November, though.

He’s working at his shop and his kids are still off school so he’s spending time with them, too. No news about the W.

Transfer Post – Here We Go

August 13, 2017

Now starts the long 3-week layoff for the MM. He will be home tomorrow. (Sigh) I was very lucky to have gotten some messages this week, despite him being busy and moving about quite a bit. When he’s at home I don’t know if he’ll have a chance, but I hope he will. He will be working with his business partner at their shop (decisions need to be made there) as well as working around the house to get ready to sell it in the Spring. PLUS he was offered a new job contract where he will actually be making more money with less responsibility, BUT he cannot accept it if he cannot find someone to take over his current contract. And time is running out.

I feel bad he is going through so much when I can’t be there (even by message most of the time) to support him.

Transfer Post – Steeling Myself

July 30, 2017

I am trying to prepare myself for a long period of low-to-no contact.

The last ten days have been disruptive. My MM has been busy, preparing for the next several weeks. I have only talked to him a few minutes. Starting tonight, he is in for a back-breaking two weeks of work (three locations in 2 weeks (two within three days) which, in his job, means a lot of labor and traveling). Then immediately after that, he is laid off for three weeks. Which means he will be at home, with wife and kids. I asked if they are planning on going anywhere (vacation) but he said he has a lot of work to do around the house to get ready to sell it in the spring.

So… for the next 5 weeks, I will be lucky if I hear from him.

I have to keep my mind straight. I can not and do not want to overthink myself to the point I feel crazy (as has happened before)

I have to remember we are planning on meeting up in October. I have to remember the things he has said to me. I have to remember he will not forget me.

I am trying to get through this. I WILL get through this!

I may need some hugs….

Transfer Post – All is Well

July 13, 2017

Of course as soon as I write that, he messages me the next day. It always seems to happen. Everything seems absolutely normal, thank goodness. I was worried things would be tense. But everything was great. Messaged each other for a couple of hours. I have to stop overthinking!

As for home situation, not much can be done. There are no women’s shelters near here and my counsellor told me I don’t want to go to one anyways because they are usually full and there is a lot of theft and bullying that goes on in them. I do feel safe here just trapped. I am not abused physically. Catholic Social Services told me to call them about local help, but I have pretty much gone through everything around here.

Transfer Post – An Ugh Day

July 12, 2017

Its just been one of those days I really hate.

Woke up and immediately my ex accused me of stashing money away. I haven’t been able to do that for quite a while and what little bit I did have stashed (under $200) has been long gone. He gets that way when he’s hungry. If he would stop eating fast food, maybe he could have more food at home. But he’d rather have the convenience of not having to cook than more consistant meals I guess.

But that immediately set me off on a bad mood. I could fire back that is it fair that I have sold my own possessions only to use that money to feed him, when it could have gone to get me my own vehicle and own place to live? I don’t have much left to sell, but am still trying. I even broke down and contacted Catholic Services today for help. But I am not physically abused so not sure what they can do.

And to top that all off, I still haven’t really heard from MM in about 10 days. He was home last week with family, so I figured it would be a longshot if I heard from him then. I did break down and messaged him last night and he replied pretty quickly, but was busy at work so we only got a few minutes. And since my ex already wrecked my mood, all I can think is why isn’t my MM talking to me?

I overthink badly. I have had it more in control recently, but this feels as bad as it has ever been. I’ve been on the edge of crying all day. I’ve done some meditating, and it helped briefly. But I can’t seem to control it. I just get worst-case scenarios – maybe he didn’t like our meet up. Maybe he feels its time to back off. Maybe guilt set in and he decided to slowly ghost me. Argh

I need another vacation….

Again….

April 20, 2019

So, today he tells me his family may come to visit on his one day off when we were expecting to get together.
BUT he says we will still plan on getting together. He’s only going to be 2 hours away, so that should still work out.
Damn I really need some time with him.
He said he can’t deny his kids, and I said I wouldn’t want him to.

But sometimes I think he is holding me at arm’s length. He says time after time he wishes I was with him, but when the time comes there always seems to be an excuse (although the last couple of times were cancelled because of me, he still had an excuse in Feb/March).

If he doesn’t want to get together, he should say so. If he wants to keep it total flirting online, he needs to tell me. But it doesn’t negate the fact we’ve already fucked, and fucked hard, and loved every minute of it.

I know his limitations. I know he doesn’t want to break up his family. I have never made demands.

I just want to spend time with him every now and then.

 

Final Surgery Follow-Up

April 17, 2019

I had my final follow-up from my surgery finally. She was surprised that I had new rings. She was like I see you got them (the old ones) put back in, – oh! There’s 5 now! Weren’t there only 3 before? I said yes, but probably can’t get anymore cause there’s not much more room. She said I’m sure there’s other things you can have pierced. So I told her what happened with my nipple piercing and she couldn’t believe it ripped out.

But now I am thinking about what else I can get done. A Triangle piercing looks interesting. I wonder if my piercer can do it? But I have other things to do first.

She did have to remove a couple of threads from stitches that did not dissolve all the way. She also used some silver nitrate so I won’t bleed if there’s any irritation. Encouraged me to “play” just to make sure there’s no problems before I meet up with my guy in a couple of weeks.

She was in there quite a while, not just a quick in and out. It had to have been 10 minutes. Being in stirrups, being stretched open by a speculum, being probed…. When I got home and started talking to my guy, I had to break out the Magic Wand – Doctor’s Orders.

Oh! That ben-wa ball that got stuck a few weeks ago? It seems there is a muscle kind of protruding so the ben wa ball got stuck behind it. It’s not a bad thing, and the muscle is important; it just protrudes more on the one side. It should not affect anything.