Transfer Post – Depression

Tuesday June 14, 2016

I struggle a lot with depression. I was suicidal a little over a year ago. I think having Our meet-up cancelled AGAIN last week has seriously depressed me. I have barely heard from him since then. I have absolutely no energy and all I want to do is sleep. There have been no changes in my medications to mess me up and I was fine – great, in fact – until I got back here last week. I need something to look forward to and right now there is nothing on my agenda. I guess i should look forward to mid-August when he will be in my area for 2 ½ months, but without a certain day in mind, it just seems abstract to me. I know he is insanely busy – basically he is doing two jobs at this point – but… But what? I know i am really just on the sides of his life. His job is first, family second, then extended family, then possibly me. Argh. Seems we are all in a funk right now

Transfer Post – So Close

Thursday June 9, 2016

So close… So very very close

Right now i should be with MM. We had it all planned. I was “on vacation” this week and was supposed to drive in to see him. I was within hours of leaving when he gets the call he has to work tomorrow morning. Argh. Originally we were going to meet tonight after work, and I was going to stay since he wasn’t supposed to work until 6 pm Friday , and then still stay over tomorrow night (sticking around while he worked), and then not driving back here until he left for work Saturday morning. But dammit! He got called in early due to some problems. Argh!!! This is like the fourth or fifth time since February we’ve had to cancel. He has a very demanding job, or else I’d be thinking he was cancelling due to guilt.

I musn’t overthink…. That’s a big weakness of mine.

Transfer Post – Another Catharsis

May 27, 2016 1:33 am

I just read something in a book that triggered a realization in me. My ex killed what was best in me, the person I wanted to be, the person I had a chance of becoming, my best self.

So who am I really? “We’re all in a process of giving birth to a new self that’s somehow better than the old one, or at least one we like better… Does one of the people support this? Does one of the people stand in your way? … You can’t be with someone who doesn’t support you becoming who you want to be.”

With me, I always wanted to write. I feel my ex always saw it as a way of making money rather than a creative endeavor. With my MM, he wants to know what I am writing and how it is coming along – but no pressure. Ex has always been “I wish you’d write so we can make some money” (perhaps not those exact words, but very close.) Maybe perhaps since MM is in a creative field with a creative job, he understands the process easier. But I find it funny that I have written more in the last eight months with MM than I have in 22 years with my ex.

I don’t feel guilty about my MM, but I do feel guilty when I think about moving out – probably because of my ex’s illness and knowing he would not take care of himself.

Everyone says I don’t owe him anything, but I feel like I am just leaving him to die. My tarot card reading says I must allow myself to be happy, and in order to do that I have to leave here. It also says I MUST allow myself to move forward – and that means away from here.

Transfer Post – Of Course

April 2016

The wife is coming of course… Hoping she only stays until Monday and we can still get some time in though

I wrote this to MM. And I feel better for doing so

It’s like 3 am and I am awake due to disappointment with our weekend cancellation yet again and Thoughts about our conversation from the other night, so I thought I’d try to write them out a little. Don’t worry, it’s not bad and I’m not changing what I told you, but maybe explaining myself a little more.

I just want to say that I knew from Day One that there were no expectations. And truly there aren’t any. I really do mean that. Yes I have definite stirrings and feelings for you, but I also know the limitations of our relationship. I did not expect to fall for you – especially as fast and as hard as our connection seemed to be from the very beginning. Seriously all I really want is what we have – it’s all I expect. And I kind of do like my freedom too… I can come and go and do things (well, under Asshat’s reign) and still know there’s a sexy hot man who wants to talk dirty and have lots of fun with me. And that helps my self-esteem too.

I would definitely like to be able to see you more (especially the way we seem to get so very close and then have it crumble) because I do find you so very very sexy and nasty and fun!

And just because I might express my desire to see you does not mean I need a escalation of our relationship. Wanting to spend time with you or see you or talk to you is a real need and not on the same scale of wanting escalation.

I will admit I have thought about it, but it’s all kind of a “what if”. Maybe that’s a woman thing, I don’t know.

I just want you in my life. Life with you in it is infinitely better than life without you in it. You make me laugh, and you make me horny and wet. Total package 😉 And I love the way we can laugh at ourselves and each other and have fun. I love how we can say and talk about ANYTHING and not worry about offending each other. But maybe if we were together all the time we would lose that spark. This separation keeps the yearning desires fresh. I do not want to lose that by any means!

And as I have said before, if you want out, just tell me! The WORST thing you could ever do is just disappear. I would forever wonder what happened, or why.

I think you get lonely and bored on the road and I get lonely and bored with my situation, so together we can help relieve that with each other. You know I am and always will be here for you as long as you want me to be.

I think that pretty well sums up what I wanted to say. Sorry for rambling (and no Fireball was involved, lol)

Thank you for being you! I appreciate the REAL you!

And I also wrote a second much shorter note after I sent this:

“We are MUCH more than Friends with Benefits”

Transfer Post – FFS

April 2016

Mercury is definitely in retrograde. MM just told me his wife said she MIGHT be done in North Carolina sooner than expected and hat she said she MIGHT bring the kids to visit him — but she doesn’t know when she might be done or when she might bring the kids, or even IF this will happen. UGH! (I do believe him – he’s not just trying to get out of it.) We really need to get together and we really need to talk!

We are planning still to get together, just in case. He says she has done this before, and then ended up unable to come anyways. And we’d both hate to cancel and then have her not show. I can always change plans, or even turn the car around.


A Little History

January 30, 2019

I started this journey because I was totally broken. I had to move back in with my ex-husband because I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t like myself as I was, I had lost my faith in a superior being, and I wanted change. I had been living for other people so much, I had forgotten to live for myself. I had spent 20 years taking care of my ex with an autoimmune disease that he became controlling and emotionally abusive if I wanted to do something for myself. He is still that way. The roommate that screwed me over in New York was narcissistic and couldn’t handle how I did things. I’d had enough.

I needed to work on myself. I had joined the Mormon church to please my ex. For a short while, I did get caught up in their fervency. But it wasn’t really me. When they would not support my divorce, I knew that Church was not true. I knew before that, but the divorce was the final straw.

I hadn’t had sex in 3 years. I craved a good relationship, but hated myself. Living with my ex, I knew he’d never let me date. Surreptitiously, I started talking to a few male friends on Facebook. I took my first nude photos and sent them off, terrified. I kind of fell for the first guy, but not so deeply that I was devastated when he fell for another girl (he was married too, but pursuing me and another). He was a little crazy.

The second guy introduced me to an amateur porn site. I was nervous, but created an account. I filled out my profile honestly, something I know most people don,t. Within a day, I had a 20-something guy message me. His profile pic was hot. He was athletic, and single or he said. After some tinglingly naughty pics and texts, he wanted to meet up. I never did go see him. A few weeks later, I found out he was engaged. In fact,he was sexting me the day before his wedding! We still talk occasionally, but I don’t trust him at all.

Then my MM messaged me. He was honest from day one, telling me he was married. But the connection was deep and instantaneous. Within a few weeks I drove 1200 miles one-way to meet with him. Fuuuuuck…. It was well worth it!

Looking back at these old messages I have been transferring, I realize how far I’ve come. I have a lot of anxieties still and some deep bouts of depression. We’ve had our quiet periods, especially a year ago when he was home for several months, but he has always come back. I am no longer as cray when he is busy for a few days. Ihave confidence he’ll be back.

I can only hope someday for more. But if it doesn’t happen – and really I don’t expect it, although I do want it – I know I am much happier now than I was three years ago. He has given me confidence, has opened my eyes as well as my heart. I am okay.

Transfer Post – It Is What It Is

So, after work and after talking to his wife, MM went to the bar in his hotel. We were joking around texting and then he suddenly got very serious. I had actually forgotten he went to the bar, but it explains why the conversation got so serious.

He suddenly said he felt guilty about not seeing the kids. I thought at first he meant that they were supposed to visit, but he said that we’re not, that his wife as in North Carolina on business until Monday, but he felt maybe he should fly home to see the kids at home over this weekend. Oh…. This was supposed to be OUR weekend… But I told him it was up to him, that I was not going to force him to see me or yell at him, but that I would be disappointed but could cope. And that I understood, but his family might not. And we got into this whole long conversation about our relationship. I did have some tears, but I had some joy too. It was something that needed to be re-hashed out since we only cursorily talked about it one other time – the details and such.

I told him I loved him but I didn’t expect anything – reiterated that point several times. He said he feels guilty too that he can’t be everything I want him to be but I said no guilt, I am making my own choices too, and that I am being selfish in taking what I can get. And that I just wanted him to be happy. And I knew we can’t last forever.

He said I was “pretty fucking amazing, did (I) know that?” And I said no, I sometimes think I am letting myself in for a big breakdown and he said that is what he is trying to avoid at all costs. Ugh.

“You say you can’t be everything I want you to be – but I can’t help but say it would have to be something YOU would want too (not just because I would want it) – and believe me I do NOT expect it by any means – as I said I have made my own choices too and have known this since Day One” – me

And that if they would ever break up it would have to be because of his relationship with her, not because of his relationship with me. And then I found out their marriage is also part business contract – a business that would not survive if they broke up, so there is no break up in the foreseeable future… And that she still loves and wants him, but he really does not like the person she has become. And if she didn’t still love him, it would be much easier. He does love her – their history more than anything – but he doesn’t like her. Which is a lot the same with me – I will always care for my ex because of our history but I really don’t like him or respect him.

I also found out a little more about his own history and let’s just say I am glad he survived! A lot of his friends did not. And that he sometimes misses the carefree life, and gets bored living responsibly for his family – which is where I come in, so to speak. I am a risk and a delight.

But he needed me to be 100% okay with our situation. I told him again I loved him but I am happy with our relationship. He can’t feel like I want more than he can give (classic guilt setting in it sounds like)

I told him again if he ever wants out, just tell me – and he immediately fired back he does not want out (which gave me some joy) but that he needs us to be on the same page – friends with nasty, kinky benefits. Which I am, because truthfully it is all I ever expected.

“I love how we can sext and laugh at ourselves, and I need to know that it’s the same in person” – Him

Which is what I absolutely adore about our relationship

And that I am not going to change – if he thinks I’m getting too smarmy, to call me out on it! And I also like having my freedom (such as it is with my ex) yet still having a sexy man who wants me too

“But what I really need is for you to not even want anything more” – him
“I really truly am happy with our situation” – me
“I’m sorry. I’m obsessing” – him
“No, you just don’t want to hurt me” – me
“But the last thing in the world I want is to hurt you” – him (at same time)

Sorry for the long post….
We ARE still meeting up this weekend.

But I think guilt is starting to get to him, which is why he went to the bar in the first place – especially after talking to both of us at the same time (he didn’t have to tell me that – so he does trust me not to flip out).

It is what it is

Transfer Post – If D-Day Were To Come

It’s a difficult thing. I try to hide everything – all communication and plans – from my ex. My phone and iPad are password protected and he doesn’t know the passwords. But I also know that sometimes I push to see how much I can get away with. Ex is pretty oblivious to a lot of things. Like today I was actually in the same room with my ex while texting my MM. Ex even asked who was talking to me. I just said it was our son. Now, he could have taken my iPad out of my hands and said oh let me talk too – but I know he isn’t likely to spend that much energy or care, despite how he talks and despite his jealousy.

If there was a d-day, I know MM would stay with his wife. The very first day we started talking he told me: “our ( him and w) relationship is very distant – physically and emotionally. I travel for work and am only home a few weeks a year. I’m in a new city every couple weeks… My wife still wants me, and we still love each other in our own ways, but she’s not the person I married 20 years ago and I don’t like who she’s become. The only reason I stay is for the kids, and because it’s just easier. I guess that makes me lazy, but it works.” And he’s told me a few other things too that I know he’d stay for the kids.

All I could really hope is someday he would come back after things cooled down. Or maybe she’d get tired of basically being a single mom and leave him. But I can’t see that happening

Transfer Post – He’s Back

Wednesday April 6, 2016

Talked with my MM for a while yesterday. My brain in working again. Also got my tattoo – a cover-up of one that symbolizes ex-H to one that reminds me of MM but is still a style I would keep even if we broke up. Sent him pics throughout the process. He likes it a lot Styled off of his but uniquely my own

Today he messaged me from work to play a bit – which is something we haven’t done in a while. I love it when he gets naughty at work. Especially when I send some pics and find out later he was talking to someone when they came through.