So, after work and after talking to his wife, MM went to the bar in his hotel. We were joking around texting and then he suddenly got very serious. I had actually forgotten he went to the bar, but it explains why the conversation got so serious.
He suddenly said he felt guilty about not seeing the kids. I thought at first he meant that they were supposed to visit, but he said that we’re not, that his wife as in North Carolina on business until Monday, but he felt maybe he should fly home to see the kids at home over this weekend. Oh…. This was supposed to be OUR weekend… But I told him it was up to him, that I was not going to force him to see me or yell at him, but that I would be disappointed but could cope. And that I understood, but his family might not. And we got into this whole long conversation about our relationship. I did have some tears, but I had some joy too. It was something that needed to be re-hashed out since we only cursorily talked about it one other time – the details and such.
I told him I loved him but I didn’t expect anything – reiterated that point several times. He said he feels guilty too that he can’t be everything I want him to be but I said no guilt, I am making my own choices too, and that I am being selfish in taking what I can get. And that I just wanted him to be happy. And I knew we can’t last forever.
He said I was “pretty fucking amazing, did (I) know that?” And I said no, I sometimes think I am letting myself in for a big breakdown and he said that is what he is trying to avoid at all costs. Ugh.
“You say you can’t be everything I want you to be – but I can’t help but say it would have to be something YOU would want too (not just because I would want it) – and believe me I do NOT expect it by any means – as I said I have made my own choices too and have known this since Day One” – me
And that if they would ever break up it would have to be because of his relationship with her, not because of his relationship with me. And then I found out their marriage is also part business contract – a business that would not survive if they broke up, so there is no break up in the foreseeable future… And that she still loves and wants him, but he really does not like the person she has become. And if she didn’t still love him, it would be much easier. He does love her – their history more than anything – but he doesn’t like her. Which is a lot the same with me – I will always care for my ex because of our history but I really don’t like him or respect him.
I also found out a little more about his own history and let’s just say I am glad he survived! A lot of his friends did not. And that he sometimes misses the carefree life, and gets bored living responsibly for his family – which is where I come in, so to speak. I am a risk and a delight.
But he needed me to be 100% okay with our situation. I told him again I loved him but I am happy with our relationship. He can’t feel like I want more than he can give (classic guilt setting in it sounds like)
I told him again if he ever wants out, just tell me – and he immediately fired back he does not want out (which gave me some joy) but that he needs us to be on the same page – friends with nasty, kinky benefits. Which I am, because truthfully it is all I ever expected.
“I love how we can sext and laugh at ourselves, and I need to know that it’s the same in person” – Him
Which is what I absolutely adore about our relationship
And that I am not going to change – if he thinks I’m getting too smarmy, to call me out on it! And I also like having my freedom (such as it is with my ex) yet still having a sexy man who wants me too
“But what I really need is for you to not even want anything more” – him
“I really truly am happy with our situation” – me
“I’m sorry. I’m obsessing” – him
“No, you just don’t want to hurt me” – me
“But the last thing in the world I want is to hurt you” – him (at same time)
Sorry for the long post….
We ARE still meeting up this weekend.
But I think guilt is starting to get to him, which is why he went to the bar in the first place – especially after talking to both of us at the same time (he didn’t have to tell me that – so he does trust me not to flip out).
It is what it is