Morgan Destera

June 22, 2020

I was talking to this guy over the winter but he disappeared about the time all this COVID hit and before my diagnosis. He just started messaging me again. But I don’t know if I can be fair to him. My heart still really wants my MM. I feel so torn I have been crying a bit. The new guy is closer geographically but still a bit of a drive (about 2-3 hours). I told him about my situation with my MM, my health, etc. and he still seems interested. But I don’t know if I can give him anything.

June 20, 2020

Ok, so I haven’t heard from My MM in over 4 1/2 weeks. 😦

I left a message in our app for him. It has gone unread. I wonder if he even has the app anymore. I haven’t been hounding him though. But I did somewhat stalk him a bit – I looked Up his FB (which doesn’t say anything much since I am not his friend on there so I cannot see his whole wall). And I looked him up on the site where we met. I left him a message there and have not heard back.

Today I checked and he was online there since I sent it, so he has gotten it but has not responded. 😦
I can only hope he was just on there briefly. It was a few days ago since he logged in.

But something else suspicious is a new account on that site from the city he moved to with a similar name (
not exact, but close enough to make me wonder if he started a new account.)

Dammit

I wish he would just tell me if it’s over instead of letting me hang.

But also I have to think back to another time when I didn’t hear from him for 3 months or so.

Also, he has not left our shared Dropbox folders

Physically I am doing as well as can be expected, but emotionally I am all over the place.

May 30, 2020

It’s been about two weeks since I’ve heard at all from my MM. And it was two weeks before that that I heard from him. He told me he will be moving his family in early-to-mid June (not that he was close by, but now he will be even further away) despite losing his job. He is still hoping to be able to go back to his real job at some point but he doesn’t expect to be able to go back until next year. He is starting to worry about what will happen when his unemployment runs out. At least he has a skill set to fall back on. He said it was a struggle to find a house on only his wife’s income, but they do have an offer on the house they are selling, too, so they won’t have to worry about that.

I think I know in my head that it’s pretty well over between us, but my heart won’t let go.

It feels I have lost every little bit I have gained recently. My health sucks, I’ve lost my MM – who was my joy and my outlet for distraction and fun – and my mental health has nosedived. I was just starting to get my groove back in writing and was earning some money when this hit too. The pandemic caused me to lose my orders (no one has funds to invest), which I guess is good because I really don’t have the energy to sit at my desk and produce anything. I also lost one of my best friends this week (heart problems). It makes me wonder how I have survived.

The medications I am now on are taking their toll. I am weak and exhausted all the time. A lot of the time I am nauseous. I had a horrible head-to-toe rash that really made me miserable and really questioning if it is worth it. Is my life worth $10,000 a month in medications? I felt better when I was NOT on them and didn’t know I was ill. At this point, I say no, my life is not worth it. I have lost everything. Again.

It’s not just my heart that hurts, it’s my very soul.

April 15, 2020

Nothing bad can happen from a medication packaged like this, right?

This sucks so much. My bro-in-Law (husband of my brother whom I am closest to) blocked me, as did a sister-in-Law. I guess I am attention seeking.

Which leaves me with barely any support since My MM is in lockdown and I am only hearing from him once a week or so.

I am really scared to start taking this. But of course I will.

April 12, 2020

I haven’t heard for sure about my medication yet. But the medication has to come from a specialty pharmacy and the one my doctor sent it to called and said because of my insurance, it has to go through a different pharmacy. 🙄 Now it has to go through pre-approval and all that. I am hoping I’ll have it sometime this coming week.

April 6, 2020

Bad news and good news
The bad news is I have leukemia
The good news is that it is not the horribly bad type of leukemia.
What I have is chronic, not acute.

I have Chronic Myelocytic Leukemia.

I will not need chemo infusions, but will be on pill-form chemo for the rest of my life. But prognosis is pretty good overall.

However the medication is extremely expensive ($10,000/mo without insurance). I will need charity to get it.

The meds will also screw me up quite a bit for a while until my blood levels can get stabilized. I will be losing a lot of minerals and vitamins until things get stabilized. I will need weekly bloodwork/labs for quite a while and will need to see my dr. 3-4 times a year for follow ups.

Also good is that my MM messaged me before I even had a chance to tell him. It was good to know he was thinking of me and was concerned.

March 30, 2020

The best news is my MM contacted me today. He apologized for not contacting me. It’s just tough being at home and not having a moment to himself since the family is around too. I told him about what’s going on. He seems concerned. And he tried to distract me, which is exactly what I need. He also told me it’s safe to contact him and keep him up to date.

So I feel relieved knowing he’s still around, though limited, as we all are.

March 27, 2020

The world is in disarray. My MM’s job got shuttered completely. He went home. I haven’t heard anything from him since St. Patrick’s Day. At least he let me know he made it home safely. Last I heard, his new job is in limbo due to all the Coronavirus problems.

As for me, I am numb. A week or so before all the virus stuff happened in the US, I went to my family Doctor for a routine check up. I went to get refills, so I had to have labs drawn. Two days later I got a phone call saying I needed to see a hematologist. Just about every single one of my numbers was off. Most of them way off. My white blood count (WBC) was 89.2, when 4-10 is normal.

So I went to my hematologist. I saw him not even a year ago when one of my labs was slightly off, but that was determined to be a lab error (new equipment had not been calibrated correctly). He was very shocked to see how bad my labs were. He drew them again and by then my WBC was over 92. A lot of the additional labs he drew were odd also.

So today I had a bone marrow biopsy done. My back/butt/hip really hurts. It was done on the CT scan table. They did not sedate me but did give me some pain medication (which didn’t really work) and a little calming medicine. A sticker of a grid was placed on my back, then I was CT scanned so he could determine where to put the needle. Then he marked it, removed the sticker, and washed it. Then he put the needle in, and drew off some fluid. He seemed to have to do this several times to get a good sample (aspirate). Then once that was completed, he had to push in to get a core sample of the marrow. That really hurt. It was all done by needle so there is no big hole in me or anything, but it is very sore. I feel I will have a bruise.

I don’t go to get the results until April 6, but I will be checking the computer every day to see if results come in. I think he is suspecting leukemia or a type of lymphoma. From my own research, Indon,t think it’s leukemia, but lymphoma or multiple myeloma could be a consideration.

I never got a chance to tell my MM before all hell broke loose. If I hear from him I will tell him once I get results.

I really could use his support though.

It really is odd going to a hospital during the middle of a pandemic. It was very quiet and empty. No visitors are allowed. It was shocking they allowed my ex in the waiting room, since he was my driver, but he was not allowed to come back with me. Which was fine with me. I could relax more without him there.

March 12, 2020

The virus is starting to hit all walks of life. My guys work has been canceled for at least the rest of the week. This may affect his new position also. We are supposed to meet up next week but that is all up in the air right now and I kind of doubt that it’ll go through just because of all the panic. And in my opinion it is a lot of panic. It’s a bad virus yes but it’s not worth all the hype that it’s getting. And I’m not just saying that out of disappointment.

I might not ever see him again

Please be advised that as of March 1, 2020, I will only be offering sporadic uploads to my Pornhub channel. After nearly a year of content and 172 videos I have not even earned half of what I need for a payout from Pornhub. My old content will remain. There will be no more regularly scheduled additions to content. I will add some from time to time, but uploads will be minimal Thank you