A Little Sex

December 30, 2018

Sex is powerful. I never felt that power until i was almost 50 years old. I had to open my mind and allow myself to Feel Instead of adhereing to what was expected of me.

My MM overwhelmed me. He was so open and free, at least in his life with his wife and kids at home. When he is alone, he can act how he wants. But even he has those same social standards to abide by when with the family.

I was raised Catholic and later became Mormon to suit my husband. I tried to be a good Mormon girl, even succeeded for a while. But it wasn’t me. Sex was fun then, but there was no adventure.

Now I can think about other things. How would it feel to have a rod in your urethera? (Pretty amazing, for a woman, sounding hits the backside of your clit and can produce some awesome stimulation). Would I enjoy being spread wide and held that way? (Yes!)

I think my first indication was that I enjoyed my gynecological exams. I liked the stainless steel speculum stretching me.

I have been in a lot of doctor offices in my life. I have had cancer twice, lost an eye, and am always under scrutiny. I felt safe in the physician’s care. It probably stems from there. Person in authority, caring persona, instruments to play with… My dad was a pharmacist, so I have been around medical professionals all my life. My ex has a rare autoimmune disease, and as a caregiver I am surrounded with medical communications, equipment, and knowledge.

It seemed inevitable it would invade my sex life.

But I was never brave enough to mention it or explore until I met my MM.

You can’t bring up kink to a Mormon boy (my ex). He doesn’t even “like” porn, although I know he watches it from time to time.

Open your mind, free yourself, or at least accept that what others do in the bedroom between consenting people is not your concern.

Transfer Post – Thoughts

Thursday February 18, 2016

I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be Number Two to a genuinely nice guy than Number One to a controlling, co-dependent one.

At least for now. I am still changing and evolving. But I know where I stand with MM and I am content. Just wish I could see him more.

All I really want is for MM to be happy – and myself too in the process

Transfer Post -Longing

Monday February 15, 2016

He texted me today after his wife left and we had a good conversation, like old times. Some photos were exchanged, some videos. We both lusted after one another and wished she had left sooner that maybe we could have arranged a quickie. Made me feel good to have him back at full strength. She is coming back Thursday though, with the kids. So I doubt I’ll hear from him Thursday through Sunday, maybe not even til Tuesday since this is a travel weekend.

Transfer Post – Creeping Back to Life

Saturday February 13, 2016

We are both starting to feel ourselves again after a bad two weeks or more with this flu. Still have some healing to do, but overall starting to gain some energy. He started sending photos again, which is a good sign. And he laughed at the jokes I sent. It feels good to have him back and to be back myself. I feel all warm and fuzzy insdie.

And while tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and he will be working and/or with his wife, I know he will think of me also. This is the first Valentine’s Day in a LONG time — even while married — that I don’t feel an overwhelming emptiness or aloneness. His wife leaves Monday but is coming back Thursday with the kids. I feel good knowing he will be able to enjoy time with the kids.

And hopefully soon I will see him again – if we can both stay well for a while. At least in April if not before that sometime.

Now to just lose the weight I gained since Christmas – ugh!

Transfer Post – Maybe A Little Better

Thursday February 11, 2016

I must say I feel better today. Its been kind of weird with MM lately. Our conversations have been short and kind of terse. But today he apologized and explained because he has not been feeling well, he gets quiet. Which I totally understand. I do the same thing – like it takes too much energy to even hold a conversation. And he told me no to worry. I did reiterate again that if he ever wants out, to just let me know. I have felt so stressed and maybe even a little heartbroken these past few weeks thinking he was just done.

Unfortunately his wife will be visiting this weekend, so there goes another chance for me to see him. (sigh). I’d rather be with him when he’s well anyways. And being apart so long will just be a better reunion

My horoscope (for entertainment purposes only) seemed to back me up:

“You’re standing at a crossroads today, imagining what it will feel like to be on the other side of the intersection. You want to blast your way through any fear you encounter, but it grows more challenging with every step you take. You can see there are many alternatives, so what starts as an impulse turns into a much deeper consideration. Don’t rush the process; let your adventure unfold naturally, according to its own clock.”

Transfer Post – How Do I Feel?

February 10, 2016 – 2:00 a.m.

How do I feel…. a little scared that he is done. I haven’t heard from him since Sunday morning. That in itself is not unusual since he had busy busy weekend. He said the next stop would be a difficult job. So I try not to read this silence as anything. But I am always worried I will never hear from him again. I tend to wait for him to contact me since his schedule is always harried. I did send him a little joke and he did read it, so at least he is not avoiding my messages. I kind of laid into him (very gently though) on Sunday. But he was not feeling well and neither was I. So I can only wait and see what happens. I had to stop myself from writing back and apologizing – when I went back to read what I had written, I realized I did not say anything mean or cruel. And really I have no right to do so. I have known since the beginning that he is married. He sets the rules. I guess because I have gained some weight over the holidays I am afraid he won’t want me. Not that I was skinny to begin with. I always thought of our “affair” as more emotional. We have only been together that one stretch in October. I was so looking forward to getting back together with him now in February — that was our goal and now it seems like it won’t happen. And it makes me wonder if he really ever wanted to in the first place. I am not skinny or beautiful. But I am genuine. I am real. I do not put on airs. And we have shared things with one another that we would not dare speak to others about.

Transfer Post – Sick and Missing Him

February 7, 2016

We were supposed to be together this weekend. Yesterday was his birthday. Originally we were supposed to meet Thursday and be together til around noon Saturday when he went to work. However, several weeks ago he found out he had to work Friday, so we cancelled. Then later set it back up fro a Friday night-Saturday noon quickie. Then he got so extremely busy. He worked a 24-hour straight shift this past Monday. And then we BOTH got sick Wednesday. So, no go. (Sigh) I did send him a card and gift card in lieu of not being able to be with him.

It just seems its been weird the past few weeks. Contact has been very sporadic. I try to read his cues and contact him only if he contacts me. The past couple of days I reached out to him though. And he did get back to me right away, so he is avoiding me at least. I got very spoiled talking to him every day for hours at a time. I must say though, he has been good about at least saying “hi” to me each day (except Mondays). But the flirtiness isn’t there. Maybe because he is exhausted. I kind of brought it up to him today.

He did apologize and said that “life is getting the best of me these days” and that “hopefully things will settle down a bit once we’re open in Cleveland”. I hope I didn’t come off as needy or anything. I had to stop myself later from writing back and apologizing. But when I went back to read what I said I think it was ok. But I am going to wait for him to write me back first.

I kind of think he is just exhausted.

There is a chance we may still get together this coming weekend. I hope we do. After four months of looking forward to February, it would totally suck if we missed the opportunities to get together. But it depends on if his wife is able to visit. Last I heard she was not, but I haven’t heard one thing or another about it for a while.

And being sick has given me plenty of time to overthink.

I just have to think positive and try to go with the flow…

Transfer Post – Just Feel Blah

January 26, 2016

I just haven’t been myself today. I think I am tired and hungry. Ex got upset at me when I went to the store. I had $15 I made working on some essays and he wanted stuff. I ended up forsaking bread that both of us could use to get him some cottage cheese. I could have bought 3 loaves of bread for what I spent on one cottage cheese.

I am also frustrated that I don’t get to talk to BF as much. We still try to talk every day but the length of conversation has been seriously cut and the content isn’t as rich as it was. I know he is very busy and I got very spoiled talking to him for hours n end before the first of the year. I also know he is exhausted. My stupid feeble brain makes me fear he is only talking out of obligation, but my heart knows he cares still. My brain is so messed up

A couple of weeks ago my emotions were going all over. He texted me then to say he now had to work a full day when we had planned to get together, thus cancelling our next meet up. I was so disappointed but did not want to let him know how much. But later he messaged me again about another opportunity, saying his wife may not be able to visit on a certain weekend that had been planned, which may open an opportunity for me. This would be an even better situation since he actually has time off then. We tentatively planned for that, which could be cancelled if his wife suddenly can show.

I had been sick for about 10 days and was just starting to feel better although I even now still have some dizziness I need to get rid of. Plus I have only been sleeping 3-4 hours at a time, but like around the clock – so I sleep 3-4 hours, an up for a while, then sleep some more. It’s been driving me crazy and making me exhausted which hasn’t helped me feel any better. And a few of the celebrity deaths these past few weeks have hit me harder than I ever expected

And one day during that emotional upheaval, BF was really late texting me. He had told me the night before he would message me that day, so my brain went into overthinking mode when he didn’t. I tried to tell myself he got called in to work, but my mood was still disappointed from having to cancel our next meet up. He finally did text, apologizing. He fell asleep – which I can’t blame him since he hasn’t had a full day off for a few weeks. We talked and sexted and decided to still try to meet the weekend we had originally planned. Although it will be a short visit, I feel better knowing he does want to see me. I also told him if he feels too tired, to please let me know. His well-being is important too!

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