Transfer Post – How Do I Feel?

February 10, 2016 – 2:00 a.m.

How do I feel…. a little scared that he is done. I haven’t heard from him since Sunday morning. That in itself is not unusual since he had busy busy weekend. He said the next stop would be a difficult job. So I try not to read this silence as anything. But I am always worried I will never hear from him again. I tend to wait for him to contact me since his schedule is always harried. I did send him a little joke and he did read it, so at least he is not avoiding my messages. I kind of laid into him (very gently though) on Sunday. But he was not feeling well and neither was I. So I can only wait and see what happens. I had to stop myself from writing back and apologizing – when I went back to read what I had written, I realized I did not say anything mean or cruel. And really I have no right to do so. I have known since the beginning that he is married. He sets the rules. I guess because I have gained some weight over the holidays I am afraid he won’t want me. Not that I was skinny to begin with. I always thought of our “affair” as more emotional. We have only been together that one stretch in October. I was so looking forward to getting back together with him now in February — that was our goal and now it seems like it won’t happen. And it makes me wonder if he really ever wanted to in the first place. I am not skinny or beautiful. But I am genuine. I am real. I do not put on airs. And we have shared things with one another that we would not dare speak to others about.

Transfer Post – Sick and Missing Him

February 7, 2016

We were supposed to be together this weekend. Yesterday was his birthday. Originally we were supposed to meet Thursday and be together til around noon Saturday when he went to work. However, several weeks ago he found out he had to work Friday, so we cancelled. Then later set it back up fro a Friday night-Saturday noon quickie. Then he got so extremely busy. He worked a 24-hour straight shift this past Monday. And then we BOTH got sick Wednesday. So, no go. (Sigh) I did send him a card and gift card in lieu of not being able to be with him.

It just seems its been weird the past few weeks. Contact has been very sporadic. I try to read his cues and contact him only if he contacts me. The past couple of days I reached out to him though. And he did get back to me right away, so he is avoiding me at least. I got very spoiled talking to him every day for hours at a time. I must say though, he has been good about at least saying “hi” to me each day (except Mondays). But the flirtiness isn’t there. Maybe because he is exhausted. I kind of brought it up to him today.

He did apologize and said that “life is getting the best of me these days” and that “hopefully things will settle down a bit once we’re open in Cleveland”. I hope I didn’t come off as needy or anything. I had to stop myself later from writing back and apologizing. But when I went back to read what I said I think it was ok. But I am going to wait for him to write me back first.

I kind of think he is just exhausted.

There is a chance we may still get together this coming weekend. I hope we do. After four months of looking forward to February, it would totally suck if we missed the opportunities to get together. But it depends on if his wife is able to visit. Last I heard she was not, but I haven’t heard one thing or another about it for a while.

And being sick has given me plenty of time to overthink.

I just have to think positive and try to go with the flow…

Transfer Post – Just Feel Blah

January 26, 2016

I just haven’t been myself today. I think I am tired and hungry. Ex got upset at me when I went to the store. I had $15 I made working on some essays and he wanted stuff. I ended up forsaking bread that both of us could use to get him some cottage cheese. I could have bought 3 loaves of bread for what I spent on one cottage cheese.

I am also frustrated that I don’t get to talk to BF as much. We still try to talk every day but the length of conversation has been seriously cut and the content isn’t as rich as it was. I know he is very busy and I got very spoiled talking to him for hours n end before the first of the year. I also know he is exhausted. My stupid feeble brain makes me fear he is only talking out of obligation, but my heart knows he cares still. My brain is so messed up

A couple of weeks ago my emotions were going all over. He texted me then to say he now had to work a full day when we had planned to get together, thus cancelling our next meet up. I was so disappointed but did not want to let him know how much. But later he messaged me again about another opportunity, saying his wife may not be able to visit on a certain weekend that had been planned, which may open an opportunity for me. This would be an even better situation since he actually has time off then. We tentatively planned for that, which could be cancelled if his wife suddenly can show.

I had been sick for about 10 days and was just starting to feel better although I even now still have some dizziness I need to get rid of. Plus I have only been sleeping 3-4 hours at a time, but like around the clock – so I sleep 3-4 hours, an up for a while, then sleep some more. It’s been driving me crazy and making me exhausted which hasn’t helped me feel any better. And a few of the celebrity deaths these past few weeks have hit me harder than I ever expected

And one day during that emotional upheaval, BF was really late texting me. He had told me the night before he would message me that day, so my brain went into overthinking mode when he didn’t. I tried to tell myself he got called in to work, but my mood was still disappointed from having to cancel our next meet up. He finally did text, apologizing. He fell asleep – which I can’t blame him since he hasn’t had a full day off for a few weeks. We talked and sexted and decided to still try to meet the weekend we had originally planned. Although it will be a short visit, I feel better knowing he does want to see me. I also told him if he feels too tired, to please let me know. His well-being is important too!

The Beginning

(Note – I will be slowly moving my Tumblr blog here, so I am starting back at the beginning of my journey.)

January 22, 2016

A little bit about my very complicated story. I was married for 20+ years. In 1996 my husband was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. He almost died and became medically disabled. He became emotionally abusive and very very co-dependent. He watched every thing I did and very controlling. I gave it a good run. Sixteen years later I divorced him, and a year after that I moved out to help a friend go through college (It took me that long to save up enough to move). However, six months later my roommate bailed out and I was stuck. I had no money and nowhere else to go but back with my ex. Our son was still at home and struggling to complete high school, so I dedicated my efforts to helping him. I was extremely depressed and in therapy. I almost committed suicide. But stayed for my son.

Then my son was finally able to graduate and he moved out with some friends. He also had problems with his father being controlling and emotionally abusive. He is doing much better away from his father and told me he is never coming back, even for a visit, after what happened at Thanksgiving.

Suddenly I had nothing going on besides trying to fend off and ignore my ex. During the past few years I have gone through a total transformation. I lost faith in god and religion – especially after my Church refused to support my decision to divorce despite the abuse and depression. I really was at rock bottom. I knew I had to find the true me. I have always been a good person – all my friends always say how strong I am, and that dealing with my ex guaranteed me a place in heaven. I no longer really believe.

I started exploring myself. I needed something in my life. I started looking on dating sites and started talking to some interesting men. I was surprised at the number of married men on these sites. Unfulfilled and lonely. I steered away from them. I wanted someone for myself, someone I could show off and talk about openly.

Then one day I got a message from a guy. He was very open and honest. He told me from day one that he was married but not exactly happy in his marriage. And that he would not break up his family. Normally I would stop at that point, but something just intrigued me. Maybe it was his complete honesty. And I figured that talking wouldn’t hurt.

But from the beginning we just clicked. We had so many of the same interests. I think he even felt it. After weeks of talking back and forth – for hours on end – we decided to meet. He was the first one I ever met from any dating site. I traveled halfway across the country to meet him. And it was glorious.

I was almost afraid he would not contact me again afterwards. But he did. And we have just grown closer.

One good thing though is that his job takes him on the road for months at a time. So neither I or his family get to see him much. Although I know his wife has seen him a few more times since I have, he has been totally open and honest with me. And I have been the same with him. We will be meeting again soon and still talk on a daily basis.

I never, ever, ever expected to be the OW. I looked down on them so much – I have seen my brothers and sisters marriages fall apart time after time due to infidelity. I never wanted that or to be that.

He told me very recently for the first time that he loves me. He also told me (again) that he “cannot allow himself to fall head over heels in love with me” and run off with me. I know he is staying more for his kids than for his wife. And I did know that from Day One. He never led me on. I took an entire weekend to think through every aspect before I ever agreed to meet him. I came to the conclusion that to NOT be with him would be worse than having him and losing him. I know if we would be found out he would stay with his wife. Right now I am happier than I have been in years and years. Despite the complications.

I know he has had other one-night-stands in the past. In fact, two days after we met he told me he was meeting someone for sex that night. I felt more jealousy towards that woman than I have ever felt towards his wife I do not think he has been in other relationships though.

I am not a bad person. I did not search out a married man deliberately. I do not want to break up a family. I just want to be in his life, even in a small way.

I am still living with my ex. Ex is still very controlling. I will probably be here for a while yet since he is so ill and needs someone to look after him. It is not the best situation – I know he still has feelings for me, but I gave no desire for him at all. I only interact with him about food and health. But now I have something else to fill my empty hours.

Sexual Awakening in your 40s and 50s – An Example

This site will be my story. It will include everything from blogs, to memories, to instructions. It will be kink-positive as well as body-positive. It is the story of a woman who wanted more – who still wants more. It is my search for happiness. I hope everyone who visits leaves feeling a little more confident in their journey.

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