Morgan Destera

July 4, 2020

This is my birthday weekend. Talked with My MM for a while. Everything seems back to normal(except maybe hm being home and not getting to talk as frequently or for the hours and hours straight we did). He did mention “we’ll figure out something” when we want to meet again and that he “hopes” we can meet again. I hope he means that and is not just saying it. I’m not really broaching a timeline to get back together yet. But I am hoping maybe this fall. A lot depends on Covid.

June 26, 2020

Different Guy is pissing me off. He offered money for me to sleep with him. While I may sell panties, may have a Pornhub account, may be involved with a married man, those things have not made me feel like a prostitute. I don’t have any problems with people who do sell their bodies for money, it is just not something I can do. And my MM has never made me feel objectified. Selling physical items like panties and photos and videos is a far cry from having intimacy.

The last few days I talked to Different Guy I told him several times I did not want to made to be felt like I’m a whore. I even told him I’d meet him on a date with NO EXPECTATIONS (written out like that, in all caps, two different times). He says I confuse him. What’s confusing about that? I told him to think with his head, not his penis.

June 24, 2020

It was an interesting situation how we re-connected. Last winter he messaged me about a Craigslist ad I had running. When I sent him info, he recognized my email handle. He said hey I know you and then called me by name. He said we had talked before but I truly don’t remember it. We chatted off and on for a few months this past Jan-March or so. He wanted some advice about his daughter and we talked about her. I told him I was kind of somewhat involved but it was long-distance and he was okay with it. He lives by one of my friends so I was kind of pushing him towards her. He actually went to her place of work to check her out. Then he dropped out of sight about the time COVID blew up, right before my diagnosis. After I found out, I messaged him and told him what was going on and didn’t hear back so I figured he was out of the picture. Then last week he messaged me from out of the blue again. I wasn’t expecting it. I tried to keep an open mind talking to him. We talked Fri-Sat-Sun. I finally got him to send me photos of himself. I found out he’s another race, which doesn’t bother me at all, but it bugged me he didn’t think highly enough of me to tell me or send pics before, that I would dump him because of it. Also he sent me some cash for something he wanted to buy off me and the name in his Paypal is totally different than what he told me it was. I also feel he is pressuring me a little to meet up with him. This was all before I heard back from MM and I was torn to shreds. I cried a lot the past few days.
But now MM is back.

I think I’d be okay having a casual friendship with this guy and see if something develops, but I feel he is kind of pushing. He also is insinuating I need to be by his side. He even mentioned a few times he wanted to hire me as a nanny “he can sexually harass”. 🙄

I am not really all that attracted to him, but he is ok to talk to

June 23, 2020

Yesterday I decided to write to my MM and find out for sure what’s going on. With the help of some of my sex-positive friends, we made many drafts and came up with a letter:

“Hey there,
I haven’t heard from you in a while, and so I wanted to see how things are going with you. I’ve been doing physically good the past few weeks, which is pretty close to how I was. I just have to be careful and watch myself. But, I am doing really good.
How are you? I hope things are getting better on your end. I know that you’re dealing with a lot of adjustments and I completely understand that life gets busy, but I need you to let me know if things are too much. I do hope once things get settled we can talk again. I would love to hear from you, even if it’s just a quick reply.
Love,”

I sent it before I went to bed so I wouldn’t keep adding to it.
He messaged me first thing this morning. And he apologized. He has been attentive today 🙂

June 22, 2020

I was talking to this guy over the winter but he disappeared about the time all this COVID hit and before my diagnosis. He just started messaging me again. But I don’t know if I can be fair to him. My heart still really wants my MM. I feel so torn I have been crying a bit. The new guy is closer geographically but still a bit of a drive (about 2-3 hours). I told him about my situation with my MM, my health, etc. and he still seems interested. But I don’t know if I can give him anything.

June 20, 2020

Ok, so I haven’t heard from My MM in over 4 1/2 weeks. 😦

I left a message in our app for him. It has gone unread. I wonder if he even has the app anymore. I haven’t been hounding him though. But I did somewhat stalk him a bit – I looked Up his FB (which doesn’t say anything much since I am not his friend on there so I cannot see his whole wall). And I looked him up on the site where we met. I left him a message there and have not heard back.

Today I checked and he was online there since I sent it, so he has gotten it but has not responded. 😦
I can only hope he was just on there briefly. It was a few days ago since he logged in.

But something else suspicious is a new account on that site from the city he moved to with a similar name (
not exact, but close enough to make me wonder if he started a new account.)

Dammit

I wish he would just tell me if it’s over instead of letting me hang.

But also I have to think back to another time when I didn’t hear from him for 3 months or so.

Also, he has not left our shared Dropbox folders

Physically I am doing as well as can be expected, but emotionally I am all over the place.

May 30, 2020

It’s been about two weeks since I’ve heard at all from my MM. And it was two weeks before that that I heard from him. He told me he will be moving his family in early-to-mid June (not that he was close by, but now he will be even further away) despite losing his job. He is still hoping to be able to go back to his real job at some point but he doesn’t expect to be able to go back until next year. He is starting to worry about what will happen when his unemployment runs out. At least he has a skill set to fall back on. He said it was a struggle to find a house on only his wife’s income, but they do have an offer on the house they are selling, too, so they won’t have to worry about that.

I think I know in my head that it’s pretty well over between us, but my heart won’t let go.

It feels I have lost every little bit I have gained recently. My health sucks, I’ve lost my MM – who was my joy and my outlet for distraction and fun – and my mental health has nosedived. I was just starting to get my groove back in writing and was earning some money when this hit too. The pandemic caused me to lose my orders (no one has funds to invest), which I guess is good because I really don’t have the energy to sit at my desk and produce anything. I also lost one of my best friends this week (heart problems). It makes me wonder how I have survived.

The medications I am now on are taking their toll. I am weak and exhausted all the time. A lot of the time I am nauseous. I had a horrible head-to-toe rash that really made me miserable and really questioning if it is worth it. Is my life worth $10,000 a month in medications? I felt better when I was NOT on them and didn’t know I was ill. At this point, I say no, my life is not worth it. I have lost everything. Again.

It’s not just my heart that hurts, it’s my very soul.

April 15, 2020

Nothing bad can happen from a medication packaged like this, right?

This sucks so much. My bro-in-Law (husband of my brother whom I am closest to) blocked me, as did a sister-in-Law. I guess I am attention seeking.

Which leaves me with barely any support since My MM is in lockdown and I am only hearing from him once a week or so.

I am really scared to start taking this. But of course I will.

April 12, 2020

I haven’t heard for sure about my medication yet. But the medication has to come from a specialty pharmacy and the one my doctor sent it to called and said because of my insurance, it has to go through a different pharmacy. 🙄 Now it has to go through pre-approval and all that. I am hoping I’ll have it sometime this coming week.

April 6, 2020

Bad news and good news
The bad news is I have leukemia
The good news is that it is not the horribly bad type of leukemia.
What I have is chronic, not acute.

I have Chronic Myelocytic Leukemia.

I will not need chemo infusions, but will be on pill-form chemo for the rest of my life. But prognosis is pretty good overall.

However the medication is extremely expensive ($10,000/mo without insurance). I will need charity to get it.

The meds will also screw me up quite a bit for a while until my blood levels can get stabilized. I will be losing a lot of minerals and vitamins until things get stabilized. I will need weekly bloodwork/labs for quite a while and will need to see my dr. 3-4 times a year for follow ups.

Also good is that my MM messaged me before I even had a chance to tell him. It was good to know he was thinking of me and was concerned.