Transfer Post – He’s Back

Sunday July 3, 2016

I’ve been quiet for a few days since MM was home with family for a bit. But he messaged me as soon as he got to his hometown airport, and in the cab to the hotel, and for a couple of hours after he checked in. It lets me know he missed me and I was right to give him some space.

He started complaining about his wife. I never know what to say. I do not want to put any pressure on him at all. But it hurts to see him in pain. And it makes me wonder what is really going through his mind. When she sits out of a family excursion when they don’t get a lot of family time together, it says something.

I can’t overthink this.

But I did email him this morning, a couple of days after that conversation, to let him know some thoughts. I said I am really the last one who should comment on the situation. I tried to keep my own feelings out of it, to look at things objectively, and told him they really need to talk and see if they can compromise. They are both hurting. And it hurts me to see him like that. And that he trusts me to tell me.

Transfer Post – Quick Update

June 25, 2016

He did send me a photo yesterday, but for some reason my notification dinger didn’t go off so it was a couple of hours until I found it and by then he was at work. (Sigh) That’s the first one he’s sent since this all happened. He looks good in it – I mean he doesn’t look depressed or upset. He goes home for a week on Monday. I wrote him and thanked him for the picture, and told him to go home next week and re-affirm LIFE, that I’ll be here, and sent him a picture back. He read them, but didn’t reply. But weekends are crazy for him. I’ll just settle in and wait and send good vibes his way.

Transfer Post – A Week Later

June 23, 2016

I am getting worried about my MM. I did get to talk with him briefly, but I could tell he is just not the same. The fun-loving man is gone. I know coping with the loss of his friend is horrible. I am giving him time and space. But my own thoughts get to me at times. I try to push them away, but almost two weeks after he received the news there doesn’t seem to be much progress on his end.

He goes home for a week next week. Maybe rest and being with his family – who also knew his friend – will help him come to terms a bit.

I only want the best for him

TMI – Ben-Wa Balls

Not really a sex toy. This is what my MM got for me for my birthday in 2017.

FIRST: DO NOT BELIEVE GWENETH PALTROW AND HER “GOOP” BRAND. DO NOT USE JADE OR MINERAL/ROCK BASED BALLS! Minerals and rocks are for the most part porous and cannot be cleaned thoroughly. This can led to infections and such from dirt and bacteria! Use silicone or stainless steel or glass.

SECOND: If you have read the “Fifty Shades of Gray” books, you know how these were portrayed. Balls are not all that the books made them out to be.

Ben-Wa balls, eggs, whatever name they may come under, are actually an exercise weight. The idea is to strengthen the floor of your pussy. That should give greater orgasms. Really you cannot wear them DURING intercourse, but you can use them as a foreplay method. They come in different sizes and different weights. Start low and work up if you so desire. I like to challenge myself and wear them several hours.

Of course these get inserted into the vagina – all the way. I have had 2 different sets now. One was encased in silicone and had a silicone “bumper” between the two balls and a piece of silicone that would hang between your legs for easier removal. These were good for practicality, and there was little movement from the balls as I moved around. The silicone made them more comfortable and the weight was low. I could almost forget they were there. Easy to remove, but i liked to push them out myself, as he is fascinated by that.

I much prefer the glass ones The MM got me. Larger and heavier, and when you move around, you can feel them moving inside. These are about 1 ½ inches and the silicone ones were about 1 inch each. I wore them the entire trip down to see him last time. (Be careful when you pee that they don’t fall out – they make a loud clank against a toilet bowl lol!) During sex, he removed one himself somewhat easily but could not fish the second one out. I had to push it and miscalculated a bit. It hit his upper arm rather than his hands.)

A little off topic – Social Security Disability Cases

What People Don’t Understand..

#1 – Binder & Binder are NOT attorneys. They are “advocates”.

#2 – Social Security is nothing but a waiting game. They are understaffed and underfunded. It is not that the lawyer/representative is not doing anything, it is that your file is at the SSA in a pile and will not get looked at or scheduled for months or years. There is nothing for your representative to do during this wait.

#3 – 90% of cases are denied the very first time due to the fact that over half of the denied cases will not appeal. This is from an attorneywho previously worked FOR SSA

#4 – it is not determined by whether your condition is on the list of disabilities, but by how severe your symptoms are

#5 – it is also determined by if you can do ANY job (janitorial, laundry services, etc.) not just the job you previously had

#6 – contact your Congressman about your case. It’s not a guarantee, but it can help.

I have been through this process several times – first for my (now ex) husband who had a rare autoimmune disease (took 2 years from initial filing), and my son who has severe PTSD (1 1/2 years from initial filing), and now myself. I was denied at first Judicial Hearing for SSD and now just got my date for SSI Judicial Hearing. I filed initially in 2013

Healed

HALLELUJAH! I am healed!

The internal sutures have not all dissolved, but the dr. I am healed. I go back in mid-April to make sure they are dissolved. If not, she will remove them. They will not interfere with sex, even if we might feel them. But I have to take it easy with penetration for a while yet.

I do feel so much better than I have for quite a while – since October really.

Transfer Post – Letter I Will Never Send

June 15, 2016

I am writing break-up letters to you in my mind. You haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t want this to end. But I feel depression creeping in. I was so excited last week… we were finally going to get together again. It was so close – I could feel it! Then, just mere hours before I was going to leave, the inevitable happened and out fun got cancelled again.

On my trip home, I could feel the depression hovering over me. And now, days later, it is almost smothering me like a blanket. I really do not see my life changing in any way.

I am stuck in this house with my ex. You are the one bright spot I have, but our plans get screwed over every time, it seems. I didn’t know what to say to you today as we messaged each other.

I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t want you to know how dark my depression can get also. I don’t want you to see how bleak my situation really is.

You said once you would be my knight in shining armor. Even then I knew it could never happen.

I feel lethargic. Wanting all this waiting to end. I ait for news on my Disability. I wait on my ex hand-and-foot pretty much. I wait on you to message me and bring a smile to my face.

Is this all I have to look forward to in life – waiting? I don’t know if I can do it anymore. The days just stretch before me, empty.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.

Things were so right. Now I struggle to make a coherent thought. I struggle to walk across the room. All I really want to do is sleep. But even sleep gets boring.

I want you in my life. But I don’t want you to know how bad my life is. Maybe I am afraid you will run if you see, or think I want more. I DO want more, but I know it will not happen. I want to see you happy, even if it means being happy with someone else.

I want to be happy too. And I don’t know how to make it happen