TMI – Ben-Wa Balls

Not really a sex toy. This is what my MM got for me for my birthday in 2017.

FIRST: DO NOT BELIEVE GWENETH PALTROW AND HER “GOOP” BRAND. DO NOT USE JADE OR MINERAL/ROCK BASED BALLS! Minerals and rocks are for the most part porous and cannot be cleaned thoroughly. This can led to infections and such from dirt and bacteria! Use silicone or stainless steel or glass.

SECOND: If you have read the “Fifty Shades of Gray” books, you know how these were portrayed. Balls are not all that the books made them out to be.

Ben-Wa balls, eggs, whatever name they may come under, are actually an exercise weight. The idea is to strengthen the floor of your pussy. That should give greater orgasms. Really you cannot wear them DURING intercourse, but you can use them as a foreplay method. They come in different sizes and different weights. Start low and work up if you so desire. I like to challenge myself and wear them several hours.

Of course these get inserted into the vagina – all the way. I have had 2 different sets now. One was encased in silicone and had a silicone “bumper” between the two balls and a piece of silicone that would hang between your legs for easier removal. These were good for practicality, and there was little movement from the balls as I moved around. The silicone made them more comfortable and the weight was low. I could almost forget they were there. Easy to remove, but i liked to push them out myself, as he is fascinated by that.

I much prefer the glass ones The MM got me. Larger and heavier, and when you move around, you can feel them moving inside. These are about 1 ½ inches and the silicone ones were about 1 inch each. I wore them the entire trip down to see him last time. (Be careful when you pee that they don’t fall out – they make a loud clank against a toilet bowl lol!) During sex, he removed one himself somewhat easily but could not fish the second one out. I had to push it and miscalculated a bit. It hit his upper arm rather than his hands.)

A little off topic – Social Security Disability Cases

What People Don’t Understand..

#1 – Binder & Binder are NOT attorneys. They are “advocates”.

#2 – Social Security is nothing but a waiting game. They are understaffed and underfunded. It is not that the lawyer/representative is not doing anything, it is that your file is at the SSA in a pile and will not get looked at or scheduled for months or years. There is nothing for your representative to do during this wait.

#3 – 90% of cases are denied the very first time due to the fact that over half of the denied cases will not appeal. This is from an attorneywho previously worked FOR SSA

#4 – it is not determined by whether your condition is on the list of disabilities, but by how severe your symptoms are

#5 – it is also determined by if you can do ANY job (janitorial, laundry services, etc.) not just the job you previously had

#6 – contact your Congressman about your case. It’s not a guarantee, but it can help.

I have been through this process several times – first for my (now ex) husband who had a rare autoimmune disease (took 2 years from initial filing), and my son who has severe PTSD (1 1/2 years from initial filing), and now myself. I was denied at first Judicial Hearing for SSD and now just got my date for SSI Judicial Hearing. I filed initially in 2013

Healed

HALLELUJAH! I am healed!

The internal sutures have not all dissolved, but the dr. I am healed. I go back in mid-April to make sure they are dissolved. If not, she will remove them. They will not interfere with sex, even if we might feel them. But I have to take it easy with penetration for a while yet.

I do feel so much better than I have for quite a while – since October really.

Transfer Post – Letter I Will Never Send

June 15, 2016

I am writing break-up letters to you in my mind. You haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t want this to end. But I feel depression creeping in. I was so excited last week… we were finally going to get together again. It was so close – I could feel it! Then, just mere hours before I was going to leave, the inevitable happened and out fun got cancelled again.

On my trip home, I could feel the depression hovering over me. And now, days later, it is almost smothering me like a blanket. I really do not see my life changing in any way.

I am stuck in this house with my ex. You are the one bright spot I have, but our plans get screwed over every time, it seems. I didn’t know what to say to you today as we messaged each other.

I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t want you to know how dark my depression can get also. I don’t want you to see how bleak my situation really is.

You said once you would be my knight in shining armor. Even then I knew it could never happen.

I feel lethargic. Wanting all this waiting to end. I ait for news on my Disability. I wait on my ex hand-and-foot pretty much. I wait on you to message me and bring a smile to my face.

Is this all I have to look forward to in life – waiting? I don’t know if I can do it anymore. The days just stretch before me, empty.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.

Things were so right. Now I struggle to make a coherent thought. I struggle to walk across the room. All I really want to do is sleep. But even sleep gets boring.

I want you in my life. But I don’t want you to know how bad my life is. Maybe I am afraid you will run if you see, or think I want more. I DO want more, but I know it will not happen. I want to see you happy, even if it means being happy with someone else.

I want to be happy too. And I don’t know how to make it happen

Transfer Post – Depression

Tuesday June 14, 2016

I struggle a lot with depression. I was suicidal a little over a year ago. I think having Our meet-up cancelled AGAIN last week has seriously depressed me. I have barely heard from him since then. I have absolutely no energy and all I want to do is sleep. There have been no changes in my medications to mess me up and I was fine – great, in fact – until I got back here last week. I need something to look forward to and right now there is nothing on my agenda. I guess i should look forward to mid-August when he will be in my area for 2 ½ months, but without a certain day in mind, it just seems abstract to me. I know he is insanely busy – basically he is doing two jobs at this point – but… But what? I know i am really just on the sides of his life. His job is first, family second, then extended family, then possibly me. Argh. Seems we are all in a funk right now

Transfer Post – So Close

Thursday June 9, 2016

So close… So very very close

Right now i should be with MM. We had it all planned. I was “on vacation” this week and was supposed to drive in to see him. I was within hours of leaving when he gets the call he has to work tomorrow morning. Argh. Originally we were going to meet tonight after work, and I was going to stay since he wasn’t supposed to work until 6 pm Friday , and then still stay over tomorrow night (sticking around while he worked), and then not driving back here until he left for work Saturday morning. But dammit! He got called in early due to some problems. Argh!!! This is like the fourth or fifth time since February we’ve had to cancel. He has a very demanding job, or else I’d be thinking he was cancelling due to guilt.

I musn’t overthink…. That’s a big weakness of mine.

Transfer Post – Another Catharsis

May 27, 2016 1:33 am

I just read something in a book that triggered a realization in me. My ex killed what was best in me, the person I wanted to be, the person I had a chance of becoming, my best self.

So who am I really? “We’re all in a process of giving birth to a new self that’s somehow better than the old one, or at least one we like better… Does one of the people support this? Does one of the people stand in your way? … You can’t be with someone who doesn’t support you becoming who you want to be.”

With me, I always wanted to write. I feel my ex always saw it as a way of making money rather than a creative endeavor. With my MM, he wants to know what I am writing and how it is coming along – but no pressure. Ex has always been “I wish you’d write so we can make some money” (perhaps not those exact words, but very close.) Maybe perhaps since MM is in a creative field with a creative job, he understands the process easier. But I find it funny that I have written more in the last eight months with MM than I have in 22 years with my ex.

I don’t feel guilty about my MM, but I do feel guilty when I think about moving out – probably because of my ex’s illness and knowing he would not take care of himself.

Everyone says I don’t owe my ex anything, but I feel like I am just leaving him to die. My tarot card reading says I must allow myself to be happy, and in order to do that I have to leave here. It also says I MUST allow myself to move forward – and that means away from here.