Morgan Destera

May 5, 2019

I need funds so I have started a @Pornhub account. It is not set for Tips yet (not sure how it goes,  but I think you have to be a Model first, which I am in process). If you want to Tip DM me here or there and I will give deets. pornhub.com/users/markiemoo1138

May 5, 2019

Since I was asked about the “just sex” comment, I wanted to post this.

Yes my MM has guilt. I think mainly because of his kids. His exact words were “It’ll be a little weird for me spending the weekend with the family and then having you here a couple hours later, but I think I’ll be ok – As long as your visit is all about dirty fun I’ll be ok. No emotional, romantic stuff – I definitely won’t be in a frame of mind for anything other than kinky sex“. (Copy and pasted from our conversation). Every time we have met up he says the same. I have long ago accepted this. That’s why I pretty much know he will never leave his wife. I told him “As I’ve said before, I’d rather walk out of there knowing we’re still friends and can still have fun”. I’d rather have him in my life like this than not at all. I know I am in his head – and heart.

May 3, 2019

MM finally got his schedule and it seems we’re going to sneak in a short stay. His family is coming in tomorrow and staying til late afternoon Tuesday. I am coming in Tuesday evening. He says it’s going to be weird having his family in and then have me come in the same day, so no romance. Just sex basically. Again I told him I’d rather walk out of there knowing we are still friends and can still have fun than to simper and whine. It’ll be a short stay. I’ll be leaving there Wednesday afternoon when he goes to work. But at least I’ll get to see him!

September 4, 2017

He’s back!

September 2, 2017

As this longest time of reduced contact draws to a close, I am realizing this is the first time I haven’t really been overthinking or analyzing every little thing. I guess that means I’ve grown. I do find myself trying to be around for his normal times of messaging, or when I know he may be waiting for the kids to get out of school. But this is this first time I haven’t delved into misery thinking he won’t get back to me, or he’ll ghost me. I am confident he’ll be back. And perhaps I’d even be okay overall if he left (as long as he would let me know he was caught or whatever the circumstances may be). I have the feeling even if he was caught, he might come back someday down the road. I am grateful for this state of mind. I am almost at peace. Now if I could just get away from my ex.

August 18, 2017

Yay! MM contacted me today! Still two weeks to go before he’s back. He did get the new contract – he basically had the job, but they needed to find someone to replace him on his current job. He found someone himself, lol. So in mid-Sept. he’ll be on a new road. More money and less responsibility. But that blows the plan for October. If we are lucky, we might be able to do November, though.

He’s working at his shop and his kids are still off school so he’s spending time with them, too. No news about the W.

August 13, 2017

Now starts the long 3-week layoff for the MM. He will be home tomorrow. (Sigh) I was very lucky to have gotten some messages this week, despite him being busy and moving about quite a bit. When he’s at home I don’t know if he’ll have a chance, but I hope he will. He will be working with his business partner at their shop (decisions need to be made there) as well as working around the house to get ready to sell it in the Spring. PLUS he was offered a new job contract where he will actually be making more money with less responsibility, BUT he cannot accept it if he cannot find someone to take over his current contract. And time is running out.

I feel bad he is going through so much when I can’t be there (even by message most of the time) to support him.

July 30, 2017

I am trying to prepare myself for a long period of low-to-no contact.

The last ten days have been disruptive. My MM has been busy, preparing for the next several weeks. I have only talked to him a few minutes. Starting tonight, he is in for a back-breaking two weeks of work (three locations in 2 weeks (two within three days) which, in his job, means a lot of labor and traveling). Then immediately after that, he is laid off for three weeks. Which means he will be at home, with wife and kids. I asked if they are planning on going anywhere (vacation) but he said he has a lot of work to do around the house to get ready to sell it in the spring.

So… for the next 5 weeks, I will be lucky if I hear from him.

I have to keep my mind straight. I can not and do not want to overthink myself to the point I feel crazy (as has happened before)

I have to remember we are planning on meeting up in October. I have to remember the things he has said to me. I have to remember he will not forget me.

I am trying to get through this. I WILL get through this!

I may need some hugs….

July 13, 2017

Of course as soon as I write that, he messages me the next day. It always seems to happen. Everything seems absolutely normal, thank goodness. I was worried things would be tense. But everything was great. Messaged each other for a couple of hours. I have to stop overthinking!

As for home situation, not much can be done. There are no women’s shelters near here and my counsellor told me I don’t want to go to one anyways because they are usually full and there is a lot of theft and bullying that goes on in them. I do feel safe here just trapped. I am not abused physically. Catholic Social Services told me to call them about local help, but I have pretty much gone through everything around here.

July 12, 2017

Its just been one of those days I really hate.

Woke up and immediately my ex accused me of stashing money away. I haven’t been able to do that for quite a while and what little bit I did have stashed (under $200) has been long gone. He gets that way when he’s hungry. If he would stop eating fast food, maybe he could have more food at home. But he’d rather have the convenience of not having to cook than more consistant meals I guess.

But that immediately set me off on a bad mood. I could fire back that is it fair that I have sold my own possessions only to use that money to feed him, when it could have gone to get me my own vehicle and own place to live? I don’t have much left to sell, but am still trying. I even broke down and contacted Catholic Services today for help. But I am not physically abused so not sure what they can do.

And to top that all off, I still haven’t really heard from MM in about 10 days. He was home last week with family, so I figured it would be a longshot if I heard from him then. I did break down and messaged him last night and he replied pretty quickly, but was busy at work so we only got a few minutes. And since my ex already wrecked my mood, all I can think is why isn’t my MM talking to me?

I overthink badly. I have had it more in control recently, but this feels as bad as it has ever been. I’ve been on the edge of crying all day. I’ve done some meditating, and it helped briefly. But I can’t seem to control it. I just get worst-case scenarios – maybe he didn’t like our meet up. Maybe he feels its time to back off. Maybe guilt set in and he decided to slowly ghost me. Argh

I need another vacation….