Merry Christmas

December 25, 2020

Merry Christmas, readers! Happy holidays!

I’m so happy! My MM actually said Hi and Merry Christmas. It’s the first Christmas he has done so. 🙂 Funny I was thinking earlier I wanted someone who made an effort since my ex has literally done nothing today (sits on couch, but did say “Merry Christmas”). And I had also been thinking I just wanted to spend just one holiday with my MM. He made an effort to say hi. I’m pleased

TOY TEST – Sexy Cherry Anal Vibe and Inflatable

December 23, 2020

This is my new favorite toy!
Not really for beginners as it is a little large.

Packaged very neatly in a sleek black box with a foam insert, the toy is impressive from the moment you open it. The manufacturer also had the foresight to include several packets of lube to keep handy. It comes with charging cord, thereby making it wireless.

The shape is the only thing that keeps me from giving it 5 stars. Although I know why the curve is there, it is actually a weak spot which makes insertion a bit difficult. Perhaps if that part of the neck was a little firmer, it would help.

But once inserted, it is a pleasure! Several different vibration modes along with self-inflation lets me relax to enjoy it. I liked the pulse inflation best where it would inflate a bit then deflate in cycles to the same vibration rhythm. I also liked the revving up vibration where it goes from low to high.

Very fun toy and one I will return to again and again.
4.75 stars out of 5

Full test video can be seen on my Pornhub – https://www.pornhub.com/model/markiemoo1138

To purchase – https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0861LKHD6

Six Years Ago

December 18, 2020

On this day, six years ago, I was going to kill myself.

I had it all planned out. There are enough pills in this household to do the job effectively. I picked this day to coincide with the birthday of the guy who I felt ruined me at that time (not my ex, but the guy who screwed me over in New York) yet both far enough from and close enough to Christmas to make a statement.

I was severely depressed. I could see nothing better in the future.

The main reason I did not do it was because I feared I would fail. I feared being in a vegetative state. The idea to be here for my son came in a distant second to this fear.

I wanted to die.

But somehow I made it through the other side. No one tried to talk me out of it. No one knew. And I thought no one would care. Except my son.

But the fear of failure kept me alive.

Nine months later I met my MM.

This year I started really writing again with his encouragement. I dabbled a bit prior to this with his help. This year I started really focusing on it again.

My writing has helped a lot. It is an outlet for me where I receive positive feedback on something that is my OWN doing. No one else can lay claim to my works (even if I sign over rights to someone else, I know those are my words being read and appreciated.) Inhave even made a little money from it.

It’s been ten years since I felt my life start to crumble. Ten years of heartache and struggle and desperation.

This is the first time I’ve felt real hope. Despite my chronic leukemia diagnosis, despite my ex’s health problems, despite lack of communication from my MM, despite lockdown and Covid, I feel encouraged.

It’s not enough, but it’s a start. I feel I am finally starting to heal.

I hope with all my heart to see my MM again. I miss him horribly. I will ALWAYS want him in my life. I will always wonder and worry about him.

But I can live. I prefer him in my life. But I can live (I don’t want to say “live without him” because he will always be there in my heart and mind).

I am healing.

TOY TEST – Fondlove Vibrating Anal Plug

December 8, 2020

NOT for beginners, which I liked. I was looking for a good sized plug. This one had a good girth which kept me “full” feeling. The motor was strong and had several different settings I liked. I liked the setting that started slow/low and revved up to full the best, along with the full-powered setting. I at first thought it was a defective product, as the power button is hard to find, but once I discovered it, I was very happy. The remote seemed good enough although I am not sure what distance it can be used from. Coming out of the box I thought it might be hard to clean since the rising had a hollow shape with a spiraled inner core. However, it is flexible enough to make the cleaning easier. The flexibility did not deter from its strength – I often find flexible plugs too soft to insert easily. This is a fine product I will give 4+ stars out of 5

Look for the full video on my Pornhub starting Wednesday December 9.

To purchase – https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08FR4SGF9

Still Here

December 6, 2020

No, I have not abandoned this blog. I have been working on a few projects which I hope to debut here soon.

Also my ex went into the hospital on Thanksgiving. They suspected Covid, but his tests came back negative. He was running 103 degree fever. It turns out he had pneumonia. So I’ve been dealing with the follow-ups from that and from his thyroid surgery also.

More soon! 🙂

Mindset

November 18, 2020

I still ache for my MM, but I don’t feel the absolute devastation and trauma that I did earlier this summer. It kind of scares me that I don’t in a way. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I’ve come to terms with this whole freakin’ situation. Acceptance, I guess. He’ll contact me when he can. It’s in his court. I still send him stuff but it’s up to him to read/view it. I miss him. I certainly hope we can meet up again. But I can no longer pin all my hopes on it. If it happens, it happens. If he messages, I will respond immediately but right now i just can’t keep my days free for him any more. Maybe if things settle and he starts contacting me regularly again, maybe things will change. But I have things to do, too. I miss him, don’t get me wrong. I’ll always love him, want him. But I cannot cloister myself away.

He has helped me grow. He literally saved my life. He opened my mind. I would not be the person I am today without his influence. He changed my views on life, sex, and love.

Deep down I will always wonder about what he’s doing, if he thinks of me, if he has unfulfilled wishes also. I’d like to think he does. I will always be his, in a way. But I have to be mine more.

This is not a goodbye, it’s a until we meet again. I hope we will.

Twitter Quotes

November 15, 2020

Quotes I have found on Twitter that make me think of my guy:

The desire to be with you holds me together and breaks me simultaneously.

you are the heartache I would choose over and over again

i miss the moments i should be having with you.

I miss your laugh – Your smirk- THAT look – I miss you

I miss your intelligence, your wit, your sexy dirty mind, your creativity, your humor. I miss what makes you YOU

I’m not sorry for the way I love you. I am sorry I didn’t find you and love you sooner.

Love is still love …. no matter what distance has to say

Every part of me aches for every part of you.

You have no idea how fucking hard it is to not think about you all the time.

you were never a risk – you were always an all-in

One word – One call – One text – One ‘I love you’ – One ‘I miss you’ – One ‘I changed my mind’ – One anyfuckingthing – Would have fixed it all. Would have started it anew – Just fucking one.💔

(credits were not given because I cannot verify the true sources)

Busy Medical Stuff

November 6, 2020

I’ve been quiet lately. This past week has been bonkers. I had an emergency eye dr appt on Monday when I started seeing flashes in my peripheral vision over the weekend. I apparently had a blood vessel break deep within my eye which the dr was afraid may be a retinal tear. So today I had an appt with a retina specialist. Luckily nothing came if that and the blood vessel is healing well. It seems my vitreous is detaching – which is normal as we age, but usually happens in your 60s years of age. My regular eye dr was afraid the vitreous may have torn a hole or was detaching the retina as well, but it’s not luckily. I do have to go back to retina dr in 4 weeks for double check.

Tuesday my ex had surgery consultation and Wednesday he had his thyroid remived due to cancer. That was two long days with him, including a hotel stay. Blech. I would rather be with MM in a hotel, lol.

Today ex is running a fever and is having a lot of trouble swallowing. Surgeon says he shouldn’t have this much problem and if it persists to go to ER tomorrow.

Spoke with my MM today. It’s been a bit since I heard from him again. He confirmed family is still at home with him and it’s hard for him to get time alone. They may shut down his state again too. Sigh. At least he checked in.