Self Perception and Acceptance

April 17, 2026

If there is one photo I have to signify this past trip, it’s the one of his hand loosely gripping my naked thigh and my hand on top of his. It’s not a perfect photo, but it shows intimacy. It shows how relaxed we are around each other. And yes, it even shows a bit of my belly, a feature that has taken me decades to like, much less love.

He really showed me how much he loves my belly. And this time I believe him. He has told me before that he loves it, that he’s obsessed with it. I believed him grudgingly then. Even when we have been together other times and he admired and played with it, I stubbornly refused to fully believe it.

This trip, he laid his head on my belly quite a bit and just relaxed. He played and grabbed and squeezed it. I could see the look in his eyes as he touched. And I believed.

It’s hard to reverse old habits. Fifty plus years of bullying and loneliness is hard to overcome. He has told me repeatedly that he would keep reminding me about how good I look, but it always seemed somewhat like a line. I knew in my heart that he probably did like my size. But it’s hard to get your head to corroborate. My ex at times complained about my body – just enough for my ego to remain shattered. My MM on the other hand, has never said a bad thing about my body. In fact, he has said that he wouldn’t mind it if it was bigger. I told him I was OK with the way I am now and I don’t want to gain any more weight because then I would have to start with a whole new wardrobe again. At one point I was about 45 pounds heavier than I am now and I could feel the difference in myself. I felt bloated. I like myself now because I can get into regular clothing off the rack and not have to go into the plus sizes. I’m not skinny, but I’m not horribly heavy either.

I am still healing, but I think maybe I can get there at some point.