July 31, 2022
Overall It was a great trip! I am so glad I made this trip. And I’m glad I did it alone that I didn’t have to worry about somebody else’s agenda. I got so much done. I kept myself busy doing stuff and do not regret it at all!
However, I don’t know where things are going with my MM and I. The very first night we were going to meet up but I actually told him not to because I was totally exhausted and dehydrated. I walked like 15 blocks with 75 pounds of luggage in 100° heat and I about died literally. I took all evening to just cool down and rehydrate. And it turned out that was good because he would’ve missed his last train because it was canceled had he stayed.
Sunday he came and saw me and unfortunately his mind was totally elsewhere. He is moving houses this week coming up and he has been trying to fix up his new house to make it livable. And I could just see the way his mind was working even though he wasn’t saying anything. I knew he was thinking more about the house. So after we had sex we laid down for an hour or so and I could just tell he was not in the mood. So I told him to just go home and work on the house. I know the way his mind works and I would rather have him be 100% present. There’s plenty for me to do there so I went to a museum that afternoon instead of waiting like I would have. At least I got to see him.
Then that night he messaged me and apologizes for “flaking out”. And he basically also admitted that the other times I have come to see him he has flaked out, which I kind of suspected.
He says he feels bad and he was actually trying to figure out why he didn’t feel like having sex a second time. And also that he feels he is changing that he doesn’t even really like physical contact anymore and definitely does not want dirty stuff right now. I told him that’s perfectly fine. Sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I also suspect some Covid trauma. He moved halfway across country in the middle of it for a job he wasn’t sure he’d have. Plus he didn’t even hardly talk to me for 10 months during that. So I can see not wanting to be touched as part of this. And didn’t want to make messes (probably because there’re so many messes he’s trying to clean up right now). Plus he has a million different things going on at present, both with 2 houses and work. I tried to reassure him, but truthfully I don’t know if we’ll ever get together again. We both do definitely want to keep up the cybersex. I am planning a trip near there in October for “business purposes” so I hope to see him then, maybe. I think if I go visit him, I have to have a reason beyond just seeing him. Plus I told him we can always re-evaluate. And I re-iterated that if he ever wants to break up, to please let me know and not just disappear.
So I am trying to back off a bit. Hopefully things will smooth out once he gets moved and the other house sold.
I am horribly sad but not devastated. I guess that means something. I don’t feel it is 100% over.