September 19, 2021
This past week marked the six year anniversary MM and I have been involved.
I am really yearning to be with him, moreso this year than any other. Perhaps it is because I am feeling a sense of freedom for the first time. I feel I have the freedom to actually be with him wholly. I’ve always been pulled in other directions before.
My therapist told me I need to make a total break from my ex for at least 60 days, for both my physical health as well as my mental. The move kicked my ass and I spent almost three weeks recovering. Total is impossible as long as I am nearby, but I have pulled back even further. I am no longer driving him, nor making appointments for him. I have only visited a couple of times to bring him things he needs from the “outside”.
But this pulling back has left me a little lonely too. Maybe that’s why I am yearning for my MM. I can’t see it happening for at least two years – until his kids graduate – but you never know.
When we first met, he told me “no expectations”. But he has expressed his unhappiness a couple of times over the past few months, and has said he needs to “get his ducks in a row”. I hope he gets to lead his authentic life, as I am trying to do, and I certainly hope I am part of it.