May 27, 2016 1:33 am
I just read something in a book that triggered a realization in me. My ex killed what was best in me, the person I wanted to be, the person I had a chance of becoming, my best self.
So who am I really? “We’re all in a process of giving birth to a new self that’s somehow better than the old one, or at least one we like better… Does one of the people support this? Does one of the people stand in your way? … You can’t be with someone who doesn’t support you becoming who you want to be.”
With me, I always wanted to write. I feel my ex always saw it as a way of making money rather than a creative endeavor. With my MM, he wants to know what I am writing and how it is coming along – but no pressure. Ex has always been “I wish you’d write so we can make some money” (perhaps not those exact words, but very close.) Maybe perhaps since MM is in a creative field with a creative job, he understands the process easier. But I find it funny that I have written more in the last eight months with MM than I have in 22 years with my ex.
I don’t feel guilty about my MM, but I do feel guilty when I think about moving out – probably because of my ex’s illness and knowing he would not take care of himself.
Everyone says I don’t owe him anything, but I feel like I am just leaving him to die. My tarot card reading says I must allow myself to be happy, and in order to do that I have to leave here. It also says I MUST allow myself to move forward – and that means away from here.
Morgan Destera 