Eight Years

September 24, 2023

September marks eight years that I’ve known my guy and basically fell in love with him in our very first conversation. We’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve been off and on and even right now I worry about him since he has Covid and I’ve barely talk to him this week. (I really wanted to see him this week on my trip because we would’ve met up on what would’ve been my exes birthday. And also very very close to the date we first started talking.)

It’s more than sex. I feel like really have a connection with him. And it kills me that I can’t be with him all the time. Being 600 miles away really hurts. Especially now that I am “free”. Last year at this time I was still taking care of my ex-husband. Now he’s gone in for the first time in 30 years I have my own life. And I went to spend it with his man. And I can’t. And I don’t know if I will ever be able to.

This year has sucked also because I haven’t felt well a lot of the time. I’ve had some major problems healthwise, but I think maybe (fingers crossed) I’m starting to come out of in a little bit.

I just want him.

I have the opportunity to go on a date with a 28 year old man – literally half my age. And truthfully, it’s scary to me. I feel because I’m on Pornhub that he has some preconceived notion of what I’m like, and that expects me to go down on him or fuck him immediately. Even though I’ve tried to explain that I’m just an insecure old woman compared to him, and that I have fears. I obviously overthink too much. I don’t think he understands that I have hours and hours and hours of relationship filled up with my guy. And when I started talking with my guy, it was an immediate connection. I don’t have that with this man. I don’t feel any real pull to see him. I’ve tried to explain that I don’t have a connection with him, but he just kind of laughs it off and says because I haven’t tried. And that could be true because I am so full of my guy that I can’t see another person. But really I just think it’s that I don’t trust anyone that much younger than me.

I’ve talked with a few other people about the situation with this new man and they’ve all encouraged me to meet up with him. But they are all men also and I don’t think they quite understand the nuances I feel. And I even know my guy would encourage it.

But overall, I just want my guy.

Eight years is a long time. And I have a yearning for my guy. Maybe I am not giving the 28 year old a fair chance but then again, there’s no reason why I should.

I love my guy. That’s all there is to it.