Sometimes

November 23, 2021

Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Thursday is Thanksgiving. I have no one to celebrate it with. My son is 4 hours away, getting ready to move even further away in early December. My brother (whom I have spent a couple of Thanksgivings with) is going on a trip. I was invited to come, but I cannot afford it. The same with visiting my son – I just can’t afford it.

And the man I love will be sitting down to eat with his wife and children.

Although my ex never really did anything for the holidays, at least he was a presence. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t visit him because he is once again in isolation due to some odd ailment (e. Coli this time). And I don’t really want to visit him anyways.

I will go get a free meal from the community center and come home and eat in while watching the parade or the dog show. It will be quiet.

I never expected this at age 55. I expected kids, grandkids, meals like I had experienced as a child. A family gathering.

I’ll be thinking of my MM and doing the what if…

Today he told me he is not a romantic. Duh. Does he think I haven’t figured that out over the past six years. That he prefers to buy me panties to destroy. Is that a declaration of sorts? I guess it depends on the perspective. And sometimes I just don’t know what that perspective should be.